sometimes I just talk

In Cars.

2011-02-28T11:00:00.000-08:00

I saw a girl driving a car with the license plate D FYANT a few days ago. I thought I should try to get her in touch with the dude in the G ELOUS car that I saw a couple weeks ago. I bet they would get along smashingly.

2011-01-21T22:00:00.000-08:00

My son is playing indoor soccer this season for the first time. It's been an adjustment because it's very different from the soccer he's used to playing. And a very different experience as goalie for him. Indoor is much faster and there are way more shots on goal than outdoor soccer. But he's getting used to it.

Last weekend they were just creamed by the other team. His coach kept him in the goal for the whole game which was really hard on him. He takes it very personally when a ball gets past him. So losing 10 to 1 last weekend was rough on the kid. After the game I had to console him because he really feels that they lost because of him. It doesn't matter that the other 40 shots on goal didn't get past him and it doesn't matter that his team wasn't scoring at all. He thinks that if he had just done a better job they would have won and it's impossible to change his mind. I like that he takes responsibility for his performance and I feel that losing helps a person become a better player but he needs to remember that he's not the whole team. It doesn't help that his team won every game last season and almost every game the season before that. He's just not used to losing.

Anyway, the point here was that I was telling him that the team they played was really good and there was no way he could have blocked every shot. I said that sometimes they're going to play teams that are better than they are and that's just part of life. He was quiet for a minute and then said "this isn't a very good pep talk, Mom."

As a mom I always have the urge to baby him. But as a parent I need to make sure he knows how to lose gracefully. (or at least look like it) So how do I balance it when half of me wants to hug him and tell him everything will be ok and the other half wants to tell him he better practice a lot more and play harder next time?

Dream blog?

2011-01-06T08:30:00.000-08:00

I had a dream that I was trying to kill a vampire with a pencil. I'm not sure if the pencil was maybe too short to reach the vampire's heart or what but she did not turn to dust like Buffy would lead me to believe. I stabbed that thing like 5 times and then ended up choking her with a scarf. (Which makes me wonder if maybe she wasn't a vampire after all and I'm just a homicidal maniac...)
No, it was a vampire for sure. I think it was the Asian chick from Glee, too.

Anyway, the stabbing part was really gross. I could feel it. Imagine shoving a pencil into a slab of beef. With fat and tendons. And a face.

I'm pretty sure the other vampires would have eaten me for slowly killing their friend but luckily I woke up before they noticed.

It's easy to sing along.

2010-05-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like a douche when I listen to Belle & Sebastian. I don't know why that is, but I had to turn down the volume today when The Boy With The Arab Strap came on my iPod so that nobody would hear. (I do the same thing with Eminem, but I don't think anyone would question that one) I still listen to it though, because I like it. So maybe that does make me a douche, I don't know. But I can accept that.

But not For The Price Of A Cup Of Tea. That one's cool.

I love to hate you.

2010-05-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

I'm glad that I'm a much better parent than I am a pet owner. I always like my kid, but with my cat...not so consistent. One day I love her enough to buy a set of pet stairs so she can get up on the bed easier and the next day I'm telling her "I hope you choke on this" when I feed her. Granted, my son has only puked on the carpet once and my cat does it a few times a week, but still.

Prolong the stereotype.

2010-05-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

I just had to laugh when I heard that some Berkeley students are staging a hunger strike to protest Arizona's new immigration law. That is so typical Berkeley. It's no wonder people call it Bezerkeley. Well, maybe it's only my dad that calls it that, but still. It fits.

Do you think Arizona cares if you eat, Berkeley? They don't! Nobody cares if you eat. Nobody cares if you sit in a tree for a week. Nobody cares.

Stupid Berkeley.

P.S.
Your Greek Theater is a horribly uncomfortable place to see a show.

of course, of course

2010-04-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

Horse's mouths freak me out. People always say horses are so majestic and beautiful and yeah, they are, until they open their damn mouths. The way they can move their lips all freakishly up and to the side, what's up with that? It's too weird. I don't like it. Keep your mouth shut, horse.

as long as we screw them up less than our parents did to us, right?

2010-03-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

I had that moment of regret last night that most parents have at some point (I think), the one where you realize you screwed up by doing something a certain way. I'm going to come clean now. Even though I hate to admit I'm not perfect.

I should never have let my son have so much control over what he eats.

Because now the damn kid won't eat anything.

Any of you who have kids knows exactly how I got into this position though. You know how frustrating it is when your kid won't eat. Have you ever listened to Louis CK? His bit about the kid not eating is right on. "Eat! You'll die if you don't eat!" And I realize that not many kids in San Jose, CA, are dying of starvation, but still. It's annoying.

Plus, I'm a very picky eater myself. So I not only understand it, I kind of deserve it. I hope he'll start eating eventually. When he hits puberty, at least. Or maybe he won't, hell, I never did. I still judge food by the way it looks. Yet I get annoyed when he does it. Go figure.

Anyway, if I had to choose a way I screwed up, I'd rather it be this than something bad. I get enough into the kid to keep him alive. And he's funny and caring and sensitive and listens to me almost all the time. So, all in all, I think we did ok.

The extent of my laziness.

2010-03-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

Caden said he wanted me to put You Can't Always Get What You Want by the Rolling Stones on his iPod. I have that song on my hard drive...but my hard drive is upstairs.

So I bought it from iTunes.

Apparently, not walking up the stairs is worth $1.29 to me.

Best-blog-ever font.

2010-03-10T13:30:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Latigo Flint yesterday (over a campfire as we passed a bottle of whiskey back and forth, because what other way is there to talk to Latigo Flint, right? this certainly wasn't via text. I'm sure Latigo Flint does not text.) and he brought up how Mitch Hedberg's voice doesn't come through in writing. (like...on parchment paper or something.) I suggested we need a Mitch font so that when you read "but I wanted a regular banana later so...yeah" you won't be confused about why your friend is telling you they want a banana.
This naturally led me to "bitch font" because Mitch rhymes with bitch and I thought it was funny. (because I'm totally not a bitch.) Which of course led us into a discussion about all the fonts we need in order to communicate with feeling.

The sarcasm font.
The aroused font.
The my-feelings-are-hurt font.

This could change the way we understand each other forever. Can you imagine how easy your life would be if you had an I-have-a-headache font? If you could know by the font that yes, he was in fact joking? I know that the one I would use most of all would be the I'm-making-fun-of-you-but-in-a-cute-way-because-I-really-like-you-so-you-shouldn't-be-offended font. That would really save me a lot of time in my life.

But after thinking about it, I realized this wouldn't work with most people. There wouldn't be any way of knowing if the other person was sincere in using the sincerity font. You couldn't enforce it. So, people would end up using the sympathy font or the needy font or the love font in order to manipulate people. We would still be second guessing everyone.

I suppose in the end it's easier to just stick with our current method of staring at the text, shaking our head, and ignoring it.

Double posted.

2010-03-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

I'm going to put these pictures up here even though I put them up on the Elvis Glasses blog. I haven't been taking the glasses out with me lately, but I decided to try to get that going again. So to get things started I took them with me to the G Love show at the Catalyst in Santa Cruz and hit the ground running. Thanks to my sister I even got them back after the show. So the project continues...

oh wow.

2010-02-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

I fucked up. I changed my template because of the whole haloscan thing going on and I lost all my links. Dude.
Not like I've been posting or anything but I thought maybe someday I would have something to say again. Maybe.
How the hell am I supposed to get those links back? That was the only thing I used this damn blog for.

Taken out of context.

2009-11-16T19:00:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading the Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I picked it up at the used bookstore in Campbell. The person who had it before me underlined one sentence in the book: I collected men with interesting names. I wonder what it was about that sentence that made her pick up a pen and underline it in blue. Maybe she aspired to collect men with interesting names. Maybe she thought that was an important theme for the book. It was only on page 51, so maybe she thought she was going to find other gems in the following 193 pages. But that was the only thing that was underlined in the whole book, so she either didn't finish it or she didn't find anything else that resonated with her. I assume it was a she, though I suppose it could have been a he. A he with a burning desire to collect men with interesting names.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way clapclapclapclap

2009-11-13T10:30:00.000-08:00

I wish I had known how fucking hard it is to be happy as an adult. When you're a kid you think life is all sunshine and rainbows, and you think it's going to stay that way. Nobody prepares you for the later years when your life falls apart. Completely.
Maybe while we're teaching our kids not to chew with their mouths open we should also give them a heads up that no, life is not what they're expecting. You think you're going to get out of school, get a great job that you love, meet someone, get married, buy a house, have 2.5 kids, and live happily ever after? Keep in mind, kiddo, that over the course of the following 6 to 10 years you and your wife might grow so far apart that you have nothing in common and can't stand to be in the same room. That house that you just finished working on might go to some other couple who are at the beginning of the lie. And those friends you think you can lean on? They're all going through their own shit. Marriages dissolving, diseases claiming one limb after another, special needs children. Nobody has time anymore. Nobody has the energy. They might care, but it won't matter. You're on your own. So get used to taking care of yourself. Because life is really fucking hard.

"is a brighter discontent the best that I can hope to find?"

My fan lied to me!

2009-11-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

And speaking of inanimate objects pulling pranks on you, my TV Guide totally Rick Rolled me last week. There was an article on Rick Springfield's appearance on the show Californication and the title of the article was Rick Role.
Which of course made that song get stuck in my head.

They also had an interview with the chick who plays Dexter's sister/wife, Deb. They asked her if it was annoying when people wrote all over the internet that Dexter married his sister. She replied that yes it was annoying, and they don't even have it right because Deb and Dexter aren't related by blood, Dexter is adopted.

That's an interesting argument, Deb. But personally, I would have gone with the trusty: It's a show, and those are characters we play. It's not real.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...

One blog for sale! One blog for sale! One crying and spying young blog for sale!

2009-10-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, remember when I used to write on this thing? Remember when I used to be funny?
(remember when Jeremy answered no to those questions in my comments?)

I was at a light the other day and the woman behind me was eating what I think was toast in the car behind me. She chewed with her mouth open. I don't understand how someone gets to adulthood thinking that it's ok to chew with their mouth open. Didn't she have parents? Or do you think her parents chew with their mouths open, too? Maybe her parents didn't want to damage her fragile self esteem by telling her she's doing something wrong. But that's just gross. And about a week ago I saw an older couple, probably in their sixties, both of them chewing their gum like cows. Cows, I tell you. So listen. If you have kids, please teach them to chew with their mouths closed. Nobody wants to see that shit.

Missed Connections.

2009-09-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

You: Smelled very strongly of onions at ten in the morning.
Me: Completely grossed out and thinking you are a disgusting pig and how about you move your fat pig face to North Dakota where they tolerate freak pigs like you because frankly, they'll take what they can get.

Now that I think about it, that's not much of a missed connection. That totally belongs in Rants and Raves.

Nobody ever Raves in Rants and Raves.

I saw dolphins at the beach today.

2009-07-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

I also saw another one of those stupid Nissan Cubes on my way over the hill. This is the second one I've seen; I saw one a few weeks ago on 280. I suppose I could choose to believe it was the same one, and there aren't two people in the bay area who think this car is a good idea. Don't we have enough ugly cars on the road, what with the rising popularity of the Smart Car plus every 5th car being a damn Prius? Come on, guys. You can get good gas mileage in a nice looking car, you don't need to resort to this. I'd even accept the Mini, even though I don't think you'd survive a wreck with a Big Wheel. Let's just think about our car purchases a little before going out and getting the next "hot" car, ok? I'm depending on you.

But really, just if you live in California. The rest of the country can drive whatever they want as long as they stay over there.

iPod on shuffle.

2009-07-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

I heard a Curtis Peoples song followed by a Toad the Wet Sprocket song.

Which is funny because Curtis Peoples opened for Toad last weekend.

Self proclaimed dork.

2009-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

You know what's worse than having Hit Me Up by Gia Farrell on my iPod?

The fact that it's there because it was on the Happy Feet soundtrack.

I wasn't sure which blog this belonged on...

2009-06-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

The company NothingBundtCakes uses the catch phrase:

So yummy you'll wish it didn't have a hole!

and they all thought that was a good idea?

you with me again?

2009-06-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Quick, what do you think of when you hear the name Mojo Nixon?

Are you guys with me?

2009-06-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

Her license plate said HI PRICE.

I may be addicted to satellite radio.

2009-06-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

I was racing a Corvette on my way to work this morning.
He didn't know we were racing.
I still lost.

I didn't know that the Camper Van Beethoven song Pictures of Matchstick Men was a cover. Did you know that? It was originally done by Status Quo in 1968. (thanks, 60's on 6!) They didn't even change it, either. It's just the same song with a slightly heavier Brittish accent. I feel cheated. And it makes me wonder what other cover songs I'm unaware of.

Hey, have you guys been over to the Daily Innuendos blog?

Competitive spirits.

2009-06-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

My son's team played their end of season tournament this past Saturday. The first game ended 0-0, but the other team had to forfeit because one of the parents from our team noticed that they had a player on their team who wasn't actually on their team. They played some other kid so they could win. What the hell is that all about? They're going to cheat by putting in a ringer (who didn't even get the job done, by the way) for a soccer game between a bunch of eight year old kids? Can't they just give their kids steroids like the rest of us? Jeez. Grow up.

tgif

2009-06-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

I really have the most amazing hair.

Technology rules.

2009-06-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

I try to remember to write down the mileage in my car and how much gas I got each time I refuel so I can calculate my gas mileage. The thing is, I know my car will do that for me if I just took the time to read the manual. It does all kinds of things that I will never be able to do because I don't read the damn manual.

And my Jimmy Neutron notepad works just as well.

Thursday

2009-05-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

What's up with having a spoiler on the back of a pickup truck?

Wednesday.

2009-04-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

I hate coming back to work after a couple days off to a huge pile of work on my desk. But what's even worse is coming back to no work on my desk.

Think about it.

Where did he pick that up?

2009-04-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

My son just said "I'm in a crisis situation. I can't find my Lego guy."

Oh my god, they killed Kutner!

2009-04-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

YOU BASTARDS!

Your sister is a whore!

2009-04-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

I went to pick up my son from school (early!) today. As we were walking out to the car he sees this little boy and says "Aren't you Sophie's* brother?"
The kid says "Yes. My sister kissed me!" (which is weird in itself, right?)
But then my son replies "Your sister tried to kiss me, too!" and he said it in that "your sister tries to kiss everyone" voice.
So I dragged him off before the kid tried to fight my son for calling his sister a slut.
Even though my son could have totally kicked his ass. But that slutty sister better stay the hell away from my son, damn it.

*Name changed to protect the reputation of the young. Or possible because I can't remember the slut's real name. Your choice.

One thing about me is,

2009-03-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate crooked bumper stickers.
Bugs the shit out of me.

Should have learned your lesson after the first two.

2009-03-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'm very judgemental when it comes to strangers. Luckily, I'm not that way with my friends. My friends can be alcoholics, beat their dog, and/or cheat on their spouses and I won't bat an eye. But I see a grown man in a 49ers jacket riding a bike down the street and I automatically think he lost his license for getting too many DUIs.

Once.

2009-03-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Once I stole a chair from Taco Bell.

Another post about my cat?

2009-03-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

I sleep on the left side of the bed. So when the entire right side of the bed is open, why does my cat insist upon squeezing her fat body into the three inches between me and the left edge of the bed? And I can't pick her up and move her because she'll bite me (which I swear she does in my sleep anyway) so I end up scooting over and giving her the space she wants even though I'm supposed to be higher up on the food chain.

My cat is never going to die.

Things I saw today.

2009-02-27T17:00:00.000-08:00

I saw a convertible Bentley next to a convertible Aston Martin at a light in Redwood City today. In Redwood City. Home of the crack whores, the crippled homeless, and...

This lady.

I also saw a guy with a leopard print car seat in the back of his Carrera, a small Asian woman sitting in her car re-applying her make-up with Cypress Hill blasting, and what I believed to be a large raccoon splattered all over the freeway.

Don't you turn your back on me when I'm talking to you!

2009-02-05T17:00:00.000-08:00

Do you think that Wilson and Cuddy are tired of House stopping mid-sentence, staring off into the distance, and then stomping away to save someone's life?

Don't you think they would like to complete a conversation once in a while?

God damn it anyway.

All god's creatures.

2009-01-26T08:30:00.000-08:00

I stepped on a worm the other day and I was more concerned with worm guts on my shoe than the fact that I just squished a living thing. Although, it was pretty flat before I stepped on it, so I suspect that I didn't actually take it's life, I just reinforced the fact that it was dead.

I think that in nature the smaller the creature is the more expendable it is. But when it comes to humans, the opposite is true.

I've noticed

2009-01-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

that sometimes the songs that are the most fun to sing are the ones you're embarrassed to have on your ipod.

I know, nobody posts on Friday, right?

2009-01-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

But guess what? Someone does. You wouldn't want me to wait until Monday and then forget, would you? (don't answer that, Jeremy)

I hate those bumper stickers that say "Give blood, play hockey." That's not giving blood, that's just bleeding. Those hockey players are stupid. If you want to give blood, go to the Blood Centers of the Pacific. They'll hook you up.

Literally.

(I'm so funny)

Have a great weekend, all!

Snot cool.

2009-01-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

I just read in the TV Guide that Scarlett Johansson auctioned off a used Kleenex on eBay for $5300. That's...pretty gross. I mean, it's nice that she raised that much money for charity, but wouldn't you worry about the mental stability of someone willing to pay $5300 for a used Kleenex? I don't care who's Kleenex it is, that's just plain weird. It could be Jimmy Stewart's Kleenex. It could be Ashley Judd's Kleenex. I'm still not paying $5300 for boogers.

$2500 is my limit.

music calms the savage beast.

2008-12-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

Since the iPod cord in my car no longer works, I've been forced to go back to listening to CDs while I drive. This morning I threw in a mix I made a while back. There's no date on it so I don't know when this was, but man, I must have been feeling down when I put it together. All the songs are sad.

La Rocca - Some You Give Away

What ever happened
to the promises you made
Those little notions
of your breakthrough day
My one mistake was
in making some room
Leaving doors unlocked
that you pushed through
And taking too much time...

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

Neko Case - I Wish I Was The Moon Tonight

Last night I dreamt I had forgotten my name
'Cause I had sold my soul but awoke just the same
I'm so lonely
I wish I was the moon tonight

Iron & Wine - Naked As We Came

Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

Rhett Miller - Fireflies

Never say
You'll never leave
Cuz you'll never know til you try
In a jar
fireflies
Only last for one night

The Thorns - No Blue Sky

Cloud and rain, smoke and smog here
Won't see too many stars tonight
Biding time, waitin’ on a sunset
One last glance of gold, then goodbye

And so on and so on. One wrist-slicing song after another.

I have to say, I really enjoyed it.

We had a minor slow globe incident here this morning,

2008-12-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

But on the bright side, my camera bag is now covered in glitter and looks FABULOUS!

I think I'll ask Santa for a Bedazzler this year.

You want to know what my son said the other day?

2008-12-18T10:30:00.000-08:00

He asked me if you could marry your sister. I wasn't sure where that came from but I had never been happier about him being an only child as I was at that moment. Turns out it stemmed from an episode of Ben 10, not some random obsession with incest.

Anyway, I answered his questions and maybe gave him a little too much information regarding having retarded children when you procreate with family members. But you know how it goes. Those conversations with kids get away from you somehow and at the end you're left wondering how it went so far and you have a strange feeling you will be receiving a call from Teacher the next day.

I wasn't going to make up some bullshit explanation, though, because I have always told him I will be honest with him. I think honesty is a very important trait to teach your kids. Honesty, a sense of responsibility, and the ability to laugh at yourself are three qualities that will help you tremendously throughout your life. At age seven, my son takes more responsibility for his actions than most adults I know. (I don't know that many people) We're almost there with the honesty part, and we're definitely still working on the ability to laugh at yourself. I can laugh at myself, and I usually have many reasons to do so. (I trip on things) If someone makes a smartass comment about me my first reaction is not

REVENGE.
MUST GET REVENGE.

It's "Good one, _____." Followed by a chuckle.

Unless it's not really that funny, in which case it's more like "Oh, poor _____. You really tried with that one but you just couldn't carry it home, could you?" Still followed by a chuckle, but the chuckle is directed towards myself because I think I'm funny.

Anyway, teach your kids to laugh at themselves. If you can't laugh at yourself you will constantly be trying to get the last word, to make your point, to one-up others. And who has time for all that?

At least here

2008-12-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

you only have a read a short paragraph before yawning.

I usually don't do this.

2008-12-16T12:00:00.000-08:00

There's a girl at my dentist's office that I've never liked. But this morning she said I looked so cute, with emphasis on the so.

I guess I should give her another chance.

Train wrecks sell.

2008-12-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

I was at the grocery store (Nob Hill, would you believe?) the other day and I noticed that Britney Spears was all over the magazine covers. With very contradictory stories, too. One said Britney is all cleaned up and doing great, and it made me really happy. Then another said Britney is screwing up her life. Oh, how my heart hurt with that news. One magazine said Britney lost a bunch of weight in a really healthy way and another said that she used some crash diet that screws you up. I don't know what to think. I don't know who to believe. It's all very confusing and I just don't know where to turn for the reassurance that I need.

I think...

2008-11-20T17:00:00.001-08:00

maybe I'm finished talking.

This morning...

2008-11-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

Usually, when I'm at a light and someone wants to pull out of a driveway in front of me, I let them go, but not the guy behind them. I'm a one-car kind of girl.

But this morning I let two cars go. Because I was listening to Five Stairsteps, Ooh Child. You just have to let two cars go when that song is on, don't you think?

Poor kid.

2008-11-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

My son cried when he found out his dad voted for McCain.

I think because he finally realized that Mommy used to be married to a Republican.

You know, you try to protect them...

Time for a career change.

2008-10-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

I saw a license plate today that said PTRANER.

Do you think he teaches people how to pee?

I had cereal for dinner. Like a stoner.

2008-10-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the Honey Bunches of Oats people made a new cereal that's just bunches?

O.

M.

F.

G.

Ewww, old lady legs.

2008-10-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Can we take a vote?

How old is too old to be wearing white tights?

Because I say once you're out of elementary school you're cut off.
Unless it's Halloween.

2008-10-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

It's like I don't even have a blog anymore!

Especially Wednesday.

2008-09-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

My to-do list on Tivo gets me hot.

Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

2008-09-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

You know how Yoplait has that thing where they will donate money to breast cancer research if you send in the lids you collect from their yogurt cups?

Do you think it's gross that whoever collects the lids knows that every one of them has been licked by somebody?

I'm alive, see?

2008-09-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

So, my son has his own playlist on my iPod. We listen to his music on the way to school sometimes, or in the afternoons. It's got some cool stuff on it that we can enjoy together, such as The Devil Went Down to Georgia and The Safety Dance. It's also got some stuff on there that I don't enjoy so much but I let him listen to anyway, such as the theme songs to Ben 10 and Johnny Test. (not to be confused with Jonny Quest)

Occasionally his songs will pop up when I'm alone and I have my iPod on shuffle. I skip them and move on to the next normal song. However...

I do have to admit that I listen to the song from the Speed Racer movie. I do. It's so embarrassing, and I have to roll up my windows, and I can only listen to half of it anyway, but I like it. It makes me laugh.

Roller coasters make me laugh, too.

You should listen to the Speed Racer song. It might make you laugh.

Did you know...

2008-09-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

That it's Istanbul not Constantinople?
Istanbul! Not Constantinople!

Been a long time gone, Constantinople.

Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night.

Did you know that?
Seriously!

I may not buy the best marbles, Furious Ball, but I sure can use them!

2008-08-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

How much fun can you have with an empty room and a bag of marbles?

No furniture means you can throw them all over the place.

That clear one bounced straight into my camera just after I snapped this picture.

Starting to get bored....

So, the answer is:

A lot! But clean up sucks and you will find marbles all over the house for the next week or so.

I knew it was coming.

2008-08-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

But I still wasn't prepared for it.

My son figured out that there is no tooth fairy. I know he's at that age, and I know it's normal, maybe even a good thing, but it's still sad to me. I love that he's getting older and we have great conversations now (and sometimes really odd conversations, such as the other day when he asked me what I would do if I had someone in my life who could make things out of duct tape) but sometimes I wonder where my baby went.

And I know this means that the whole Santa thing will be coming up soon, and I'm so not ready for that. I might have to ask him to fake it for me, just for one more year. I'm not above that. I'll promise extra special presents if he goes along with it and everything.

Maybe even cash if he agrees to wearing feety pajamas.

Damn you, Michael Ian Black!

2008-08-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

Damn you for challenging Tucker Max to a fight. Damn you for telling me that Tucker Max's book is the #1 seller in the humor category on Amazon, which led me to believe it's funny. Damn you for making me finish this book even though I really, REALLY don't want to. Ok, that last one is my own issue, but I'm happier blaming Michael Ian Black for my problems.

Seriously, if there are any 19 year old frat boys reading this who want me to send them the book, please let me know. Because you are definitely the target audience for this book. It is page after page of "Dude, my friends and I got really drunk, and then we acted like complete assholes, and then I fucked some random chick. The end." Sure, there's stories about blow jobs in there, and some arrests, and more vomit/shit/piss than anyone could be (or should be) comfortable with. This is one blog-turned-book that never should have happened. And what kind of a name is Tucker? Your parents really wanted to drive home the importance of making your bed, Tucker?

I hate myself for wasting my time on this. But I can't give in. If I stop reading this book before the end then the terrorists win.

Def Leppard: Love Bites is on the radio right now.

2008-08-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

I saw a license plate this weekend that stated "I love doves."

Weird, that one.

And one this morning that simply said "oregano."

People around here have odd interests.

Not that I don't dig oregano. I do. I just wouldn't proclaim it on my license plate. And sure, doves make a cute cooing sound, but even that gets old after a while.

Hard core.

2008-08-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

I saw a lady at Longs a little while ago that you wouldn't believe. She was about 70 years old and her cart was filled with vodka and adult diapers. I swear. Three big old gallon jugs of cheap vodka and like six packs of adult diapers. I guess there's something to be said for knowing yourself. If I knew I was going to drink myself into oblivion and pee the bed, I might be inclined to make the same purchases, I don't know. I'd at least have a little shame though, and not be holding up the line to have the stock boy check for more vodka in the back. That's just plain greedy, grandma.

You know what?

2008-08-10T20:00:00.000-07:00

I had a really good weekend.

What I should have said was nothing.

2008-08-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

So this guy calls me yesterday from the Chamber of Commerce. We get our labor law posters/books/pamphlets from them and he was calling to let me know about a new product that they have for the human resources department. I explained that we don't have an HR department, exactly, because we only have four employees here. Ah, yes, no need for this interactive website then, I see. I let him know that we make sure we have the correct posters displayed and that we hand out the correct pamphlets once a year, but beyond that we don't really have any HR issues wth the staff. Then I said "We're over here..." and I trailed off because I realized I was about to tell a representative from the Chamber of Commerce that "We're over here sexually harrassing each other all the time." and I didn't think he would find that funny at all. For once in my life my filter worked. Great success.

You know what I was just thinking?

2008-08-04T17:00:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking that I'm kind of stupid. Every year I go see Lyle Lovett in concert. And every year he talks about hanging around Saratoga, going to the restaurants, meeting the people. And never before has it even occurred to me that I should go down there and look for him. Not until today, when I was driving home from work and Creeps Like Me came on my ipod. He's already gone, but maybe next year I'll remember.

Maybe next year.

I have something to say.

2008-07-31T13:30:00.001-07:00

What was it again?

Um, I forgot.

Not because of acid reflux, either.

2008-07-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today, as I drove home, what if you went to a karaoke place and went up on stage but instead of singing you just moved your mouth like you were lip synching? Would anybody get the joke?

And don't ask me why I think of such things. I just do.

never,

2008-07-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

ever buy mentos from the liquor store over by the crack hotel on Broadway.

because fruity mentos should never, ever crack in two when you bite into them.

mentos don't crack.

people crack.

I'm all hopped up on the Sudafed...

2008-07-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

And I can't tell if I like it or I hate it.

I'm a little shaky. I'm clenching my jaw like the tweakers do. I talk without knowing what I'm going to say until the words actually leave my mouth, which led me into a weird conversation with my co-worker about teabagging. I think I'm hungry, but I'm not exactly sure. I can't finish anything I start.

But hey! My nose isn't running!

No wonder they keep this shit locked up, huh?

I just needed some lactobacillus rhamnosus!

2008-07-10T21:30:00.000-07:00

I stopped by Whole Foods today for a minute, and as I was waiting in line I saw one of those hippie mom magazines proclaiming "Circumcision does not prevent HIV."

And I think: Really? This was up for debate? I sure hope they didn't waste a bunch of my tax money on that study. I'm pretty sure every third grader in America knows that.

Because honestly, how could circumcision prevent HIV? Before I started this post I looked into the whole thing (a little bit) and saw that some people believe it can reduce the risk of HIV. But reduce the risk and prevent are two completely different stories. Also, I think Africa should take all the help it can get when it comes to HIV. That goes for you too, Haiti. If it helps, awesome. But how are they going to prove it? Seems like a really difficult study to keep under control. Seriously, like, I'm talking about the actual control group. Sucks to be them, am I right?

Anyway, my point is not whether or not circumcision can prevent/reduce the risk of HIV. My point is this:

Stay the hell away from Whole Foods market. All that hemp clothing and unwashed hair and Birkenstocks. I barely survived. And my kid wouldn't eat the damn yogurt anyway.

Addition.

2008-07-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

My house number is 1827.

The 1 and the 8 add up to 9.
The 2 and the 7 add up to 9.

This makes me happy.

Is that weird?

Children's Cancer Research.

2008-07-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

How do they know? How do they know that if they send me something I'll feel guilty and send them money? I don't really need seventy thousand return address labels, but sometimes they're actually cute. I prefer the ones that don't say Ms. before my name. I sent in some money a month or two ago for some cute summery labels, but they said Ms. Then a couple weeks ago I get some new ones with no Ms. and I feel bad using them without donating, so I did. Then yesterday they sent me a fucking calendar! A calendar! Sure it's got birds on it and I'd never use it, and never mind that fact that it's July, so by January it will be lost. I think it's just plain rude, guilt tripping me into sending money to save children from cancer.

Selfish bastards.

I walked into a door, fell down some stairs, anything!

2008-06-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Don't you think that if you go to a social function with a big bandage across the side of your face that you're morally obligated to tell people why you have a big bandage across the side of your face? I mean, you know people are looking at it, you know people are coming up with their own ideas which are probably way worse than the actual story. Just tell the reason and be done with it. It's your duty.

I'm not saying I want to hear the story behind every band-aid, but when it's something on your face or your neck, basically anything above the shoulders, I think you have to tell people how it happened. You just have to.

And if you don't...

I'm going to blog about it.

Mondays

2008-06-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you go downstairs to get that first glorious cup of coffee only to find that all you have made yourself is a nice hot pot of water because you forgot to put the coffee in the coffee maker?

I finished my book today and had a mild panic attack when I got home and saw that my Barnes and Noble order hadn't been delivered. I usually have back-up books. This time I was unprepared. I hated me for a little while. Because:

I actually read a Maxim magazine at lunch because I had nothing else to read. I read the magazine from USAA for crying out loud. That's how desperate I was. Then I head it. The gate opened. The doorbell rang. I praised the lord. Really, I praised him. Hallelujah.

Not really. But I may have praised UPS a little bit. Then I started a new book.

Happy.

Where is the love?

2008-06-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

You know, I'm kind of pissed off that nobody told me about the tomato issue. I love tomatoes. Everybody knows I love tomatoes. Yet nobody told me I shouldn't be eating tomatoes because I might get salmonella. I just found out today.

Real nice, guys.

Cliffhanger.

2008-06-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm going to tell you this story, but you have to guess the end.

Don't worry, it's easy.

So, I'm at Michael's (the arts and crafts store, this is an important point to the story) and I'm picking out some scented candles for a baby shower prize. My son and I are smelling them one by one and we get to one called Tea Rose. I asked my son how it smelled and he said ok, so I smelled it and promptly made a face and said (quite loudly, I'm ashamed to say) "Ew, that smells like old lady."

I immediately clapped my hand over my mouth and turned around to see...

I was there, I promise.

2008-06-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

The only proof I'm going to have that I actually did things with my son while he was growing up is the fact that I took the pictures of the activities.

Check IMDB, seriously.

2008-06-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

I saw a license plate frame today that said: We have god to thank for a wonderful life.

And I'm all, I thought it was Frank Capra...

Pete and Repeat sat on a fence...

2008-05-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

1. Putting your left arm out doesn't give you the right of way. Especially if you're on a bicycle, because you really won't win.

2. Do you think snails get really frustrated when they try to run away from people? Like in their heads they're screaming "COME ON! COME ON! WHY CAN'T I RUN FASTER?? SHE'S GOING TO STEP ON M..."

3. Whenever I hear a really loud, obnoxious motorcycle (yeah, I'm talking to you Harley Davidson) I have a quick fantasy of shooting the person riding it.

4. I saw a car with the license plate "ROTARD" and I've adopted it as my new favorite word.

5. Does this picture make you laugh as much as it makes me laugh?

I'm doing just fine on my own, but thanks.

2008-05-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

Today I was invited to a Penetration Webinar.

And I'm all like, woah, Visa, back the hell up.

I'm not that kind of girl.

It is free, but still.

No doubt.

2008-05-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

I like how open minded we are in our dreams. We accept everything as real, no matter how far fetched or ridiculous it may be. We don't stop to consider that the beautiful flying monkey couldn't possibly be real, we just enjoy it as it happens. We don't stop running just because vampires don't exist, we know in our hearts that if we stop running we will die.

When I found out that the twins I had aborted had survived and my boyfriend's mom (who performed the abortion) was raising them as her own I didn't stop to consider how exactly a four month old fetus could survive, I just knew I wanted my children back. And when that big ghost man was playing his music box to lure children out of their rooms so he could steal them I didn't say to myself "that's not possible", no. I crawled into bed with my son to make sure he didn't go outside. But when I woke up from that dream, convinced I had just heard that same song, I talked myself out of actually getting into bed with him because that would be crazy.

After I went to check on him and make sure he was still in his bed, of course.

Made me laugh.

2008-05-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

Revisiting personalized license plates.

2008-04-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

You know how here in California you can put a symbol on your license plate? You can chose from a hand, a star, and a heart. Well, a lot of people (girls, I assume) put their initials and then the heart and then the initials of their husband, to flaunt their love, you know? Like CDH heart MKH, or something like that. I saw one today that said HPY heart TOY, and I'm guessing these people have a last name that starts with Y but it looks like it says happy love toy.

Which is way better.

Not even Chopsticks.

2008-04-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

Listen guys. I hate to be mean, but I have to put my foot down. I'm making a new house rule. If you don't know how to play the piano you cannot touch my piano. I know it's tempting. I know it's fun. But don't break the rule. Rule #1 might be Respect (or no TV before school, I'm not sure which) at other people's houses, but here it's going to be If You Don't Know How To Play The Piano You Cannot Touch My Piano. I'm not going to put up a sign or anything, because that would be rude.

Right? That would be rude?

Damn. I thought so.

Ok, no sign. But I am going to leave the piano closed from now on. It's not because I don't trust you guys, it's because...well...ok, I don't trust you guys. No offense. But it really, really grates my nerves to hear someone almost playing Heart And Soul right, but not quite.

Can we also agree that knowing the pattern to Mary Had A Little Lamb, but not knowing which key to start with does not constitute knowing how to play the piano?

Thanks.

Tick-tock, Fatty.

2008-04-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

So, I'm cleaning out the litter box and the phone rings. I go answer it and two minutes later when I get back to the bathroom my fucking cat is shitting in the half-cleaned litter box. I told her "You're an asshole, Fatty" but did she care? No. It's bad enough that I have to go sifting through the litter for her shit, now I have to pick it up still warm from her furry little ass. Oh, and don't worry about covering it up, Fatty, oh no, I'll take care of it! You just go eat some more food, fat ass. And please puke this time, spread the love. It smells great.

Isn't she supposed to be dying? When is that happening, again?

Hypothetical question...

2008-04-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

How many drinks does it take for you to start thinking that Swedish Fish shots are a good idea?

I will tell you this only because I care about you: The alcohol makes them even harder.

(that's what she said)

Captain Backfire

2008-04-10T11:30:00.000-07:00

The worst part about intentionally trying to get a bad song stuck in someone else's head is when you get it stuck in your own head as a result.

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you

Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say good-bye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

**Edit. Must add link to be a proper Rick Roll. Thanks for the education guys!

Scarred.

2008-04-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

I love the Dresden Files books. Love love love. I want to sleep on the books and wear the books for clothing and eat dinner with the books and possibly marry them and have baby books.

Have I told you how much I love these books?

The characters are interesting, the stories are full of action, the main guy is as sarcastic as they come. They make me laugh. Plus the whole wizard thing? I really do not want to put this book down.

The past books I read were special editions that came with a special book jacket and they all match and look so pretty together on my bookshelf. The latest book was just released so I got the regular hardback with the regular jacket (thank you!) and for the first time I was subjected to a picture of the author.

I don't know if I'm ever going to get over this.

Don't tell Terra. She'd be so disappointed in me.

2008-04-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Who wins?

VS

Kissing trees

2008-04-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

These trees in my yard have grown together in two places.

This is the kissy part.

You don't even want to see the other part.

2008-03-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Dear The Dixie Chicks:

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but "think" and "Hank" do not rhyme.

Please re-write.

Thanks.

2008-03-24T10:30:00.001-07:00

Personally, I always thought the devil played better than Johnnie.

But that's just my opinion.

I'm sitting outside in the sun right now.

2008-03-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

And one of my neighbors is blasting Moonshadow by Cat Stevens. I mean blasting it. I could hear it even when I was inside the house.

If you're going to play it loud at least make it a worthy song. Now, I'm not saying I don't like that song, I do. But is it really one of those turn-up-your-stereo-and-rock-out kind of songs?

The yellow jackets are circling. I have to go inside.

Just in time for Easter.

2008-03-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Stigmata.

(or a binder-related incident at work, if you're more comfortable with that.)

So. How are you guys celebrating the resurrection of our lord and savior jesu...

Ok, I can't do that with a straight face. Sorry.

Want another one, Joel?

2008-03-13T19:00:00.000-07:00

How about the guy I saw today, with the royal blue sweater and jeans, and the fuchsia socks. Yeah, fuchsia socks and guess what else? A fuchsia t-shirt peeking out from under the royal blue sweater.

I could post every day about the freaks in Redwood City.

Like the guy with the cheetah bike. It had a tail and everything.

The pole-circler, who walks circles around the light post non-stop as she's waiting for the light to change.

The guy who runs in the short shorts, reminiscent of Jack Tripper.

There's a never-ending stream of weirdos parading past my building. And we get to see them all. Even the midgets and the crippled hobos.

Another one.

2008-03-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

I just saw a girl wearing red velour sweat pants and a pink turtleneck sweater. I wonder about the thought process behind that outfit. Was it just a matter of what was closest to her on the bedroom floor or did she really think to herself "wow, this would look great on me!"?

Totally 80's

2008-03-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

I saw a guy wearing neon green Wayfarers today. Not even real ones. They were the fake, rubbery ones.

What's that all about?

Nice try.

2008-03-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

Ebony and Ivory.
Good message.
Retarded song.

It's like Paul and Stevie wanted to do this meaningful song together and change the way people think, but they didn't have a lot of time to spend on it. So they decided to take a poem written by a sixth grader on the back of her Trapper-Keeper and put it to music.

And you know that sixth grader didn't even write it because she believed in it. She just wanted to get her poem in the school paper and knew that writing something with a "powerful message" increased her chances.