A restaurant called The Pie Hole? Awesome!

As if I needed another reason to love the show Pushing Daisies, they used a They Might Be Giants song in one episode.
If you haven't given this one a try, go for it. It's great. Did you see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with Johnny Depp? If you liked that, you'll like this. It's very similar.

Kind of Tim Burton-ish, too.


Is Depp his real last name, you think? It sounds fake. Just wondering.

Clearing out Tivo.

What's worse than a summer cold?

An indian summer cold.

The last few sunny, wonderful days to enjoy and I'm stuck on the couch feeling like crap.

Hey, you work out?

I was walking up to my building the other day and some guy leans out his car window to make kissy noises at me. So sexy. I was wondering if he believes this is an effective way to pick up chicks. Does this person think that one day some girl somewhere is going to turn around and say "Oh my gosh! Come back here and let me give you my number because that was so hot!"

And this isn't the first time I've received this treatment. I mean, let's be honest here. There's a certain ethnic group that is very fond of the smoochy-smoochy noise pick-up method. (Shhh, I just so happen to be a part of that ethnic group, so I have a pass.) Anyway, I figure it must work sometimes, or they'd get rid of it, right? And they're certainly not getting rid of it.

Lucky for me.

I need Dwight.

As my cat gets more and more annoying, what with the constant crying for food, her insistence for fresh water twice a day, the vomiting on the carpet, and her refusal to cover her shit in the litter box, I start wondering how fine the line is between killing and mercy killing.

I mean, she's already dying, right?

I was wrong.

I thought I wanted Fleetwood Mac's greatest hits but it turns out I just wanted Rumors. I don't know who's idea it was to record Little Lies but they should be shot.

Spade.

Sometimes I think I should rename this blog "Link List."

If I could say shitballs to the principal I'd be so happy.

How many days later, and I still can't get Cartman's voice out of my head.

"I've got a golden ticket..."

Late night visitor.

That black cat keeps trying to get into my bedroom. He even opens the screen door. I thought he had a collar, but last night I noticed he was without. I wonder if he lost it. Or maybe the owner is tired of him being such a slut.

Trying to get at my poor, innocent Fatty.

I already took in one stray black cat. I'm not taking another. Soon I'd have five. And who wants that much bad luck?

Now I guess I'll have to tell 'em that I got no cerebellum.

I put in a Ramones CD today, Their Toughest Hits. Which is kind of like listening to one really long Ramones song.

Oh, and what about those people who can't switch lanes without breaking? How do you feel about them?

Overkill.

I wrote "C shampoo" on my running grocery list today, to remind myself to buy shampoo for my son. Which is pretty lame because:

a. My son and I both have names that start with C, and

b. Like I'd use shampoo from a grocery store. Come on, now.

Ow! Quit it! Ow! Quit it!

Which one of you fuckers has the voodoo doll of me and would you please stop jabbing me in the ear with a pin?

Thanks.

Born to rock.

Last week, as I left my son's school, I saw a woman getting into her car near mine. She had on sweatpants that said "Rock Star" across the butt. In rhinestones. Like it was BeDazzled.

The way I see it, you're not a rock star if:

1. You're getting into your Honda CRV after dropping your kid off at school, and

2. You advertise it on your ass. In sweatpants.

Knock it off, lady. You're past your prime. Face it.

I like him, but...

Does anyone else think James Blunt kind of blew his wad with the first album?

I'm almost out of ice cream.

Skool.

My son came home with a book report that started:

Toy Story 2 is about toys that cum to life.

Smell it?

I went down to the corner store (market, if you prefer) today during my lunch. I walked in and vaguely noticed a smell, a chemical-ish smell, but didn't pay much attention to it. After I grabbed a box of just one calorie Tic-Tacs, I went to the counter. There I was assaulted, yes, assaulted, by the smell. It immediately entered my nose and mouth. I saw a Windex bottle tipped on it's side on the counter. (but even then, I knew somewhere in my head that it was all wrong for Windex) I made a noise that was a cross between "blech" and "yuck", which I'm sure you'll agree is impossible to type. Then an "ew" sound, which was one of those very annoyed "ew"s, not a cutesy, uptalk "ew". You know. With the extended "w" part. The Red Bull girl started laughing and I turned to her and said "I think I can taste it!" and she agreed. Of course, it was half a second after that exchange that I realized the smell was not the Windex at all, but the woman standing three feet from me. Which sucked, because I don't like to insult people. To their face. I much prefer doing it behind their back.

(if you're giggling, you're childish. yes, I said "doing it")

But half an hour later when I could still smell and taste the perfume, I didn't feel quite as bad. Because I'm sure every person she came into contact with thought the same thing as me, but I was the only one who voiced it. I sure hope she learned a lesson today. Inflicting asthma upon countless innocent souls with your excessive perfume usage is a bad way to get into heaven.

Animal Cruelty.

All day my cat has been crying for food. I keep feeding her, she keeps crying for more. She's been crying for food when there's still food in her bowl.

She just wants the attention, I think. Because she's dying of kidney disease, you know.

Despite the whole dying thing, I get a little crazy after four hours of meow-meow. I finally snapped and yelled "Fatty, if you don't shut up I'm going to kick you and throw you outside!"

And I hear my son from the other room yell "Mom, let ME kick her! Can I kick her?"

Which scares me and makes me laugh really hard at the same time.

I like to read a murder mystery. I like to know the killer isn't me.

When was the last time you had a random Erasure song stuck in your head?

It's physics.

I hate bitches with super long, French manicured nails in maroon Mitsubishis who think that if I'm not tailgating the car in front of me that I'm not going as fast as they are.

Bitch, back off.

Your insurance is way more expensive than mine.

Reading.

I am thoroughly addicted to Augusten Burroughs. I can't stop reading his book, even though a part of me wants to read slowly so it will last longer.

I read Running With Scissors and Dry. I'm almost through with Magical Thinking. I just ordered Sellevision and his latest book, Possible Side Effects. I highly recommend getting at least Running With Scissors. But you may as well get Dry while you're at it. Trust me.

Is it irony to be addicted to an alcoholic?

Sounds like Lydia got an A on the math test.

You know that song Jump in the Line by Harry Belafonte? Sure, you know the one, they played it at the end of Beetlejuice? Yeah, that one.

So, am I the only one who hears the line:

Senora's dance has no title
You jump in the saddle, hold onto the bridle

and thinks that sounds kind of dirty?

And yeah, the little hand motion Winona does during that part doesn't help at all.

I'm not dead, Cat!

I was driving behind some Honda today; the stupid chick was going like four miles an hour!
I say "Come on, fuckface, let's go!"
Then she goes to turn on the same street I was going to turn on.
I say "Oh great, because that's what I wanted to do, follow your slow ass all the way down Cox."

And then I giggled.

Because.

You know.

Cox.

It's funny, because, um...

Sitting with my dad and his cousin and her husband in the back yard after dinner in Idaho:

My dad tells a story about this one time he was at his neighbor's house and there was a commercial for Viagra or Levitra or some damn thing, and the commercial gets to that part where it says "if you have an erection lasting more than four hours contact your doctor."

(side note: hearing your dad say "erection" is weird)

So the neighbor turns to his wife and says "heck, if I had a four hour erection I'd call your sister!"

Laughter ensues.

Then I start giggling to myself and say "If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, get her some lessons."

But nobody laughs. Except me.

The Blog

There is a building at the corner of Hamilton and Leigh and it's called...get this...The Hamilton-Leigh Building. Really? They couldn't come up with anything better than that?

I suppose Building With Walls, Windows, and Doors would have been more obvious. Or The Big Building. I want to meet the guys who named that place. They must have huge imaginations.

"What should we name the new building?"

"Well, where is it?"

"It's at the corner of Hamilton Avenue and Leigh Avenue, sir."

"How about the Hamilton-Leigh Building?"

"Brilliant!"

"Uh, sir? What about the one at the corner of Olive Road and Dick Street?"

Self entertainment.

Sometimes I think I should have a t-shirt made that says

I'm so funny

because I am. I really just am.

"I did something illegal."

I think I have a crush on Zooey Deschanel. I couldn't help but like her in Elf, even though I tried not to, and she was so awesome in season 2 of Weeds.

I just wish I knew how to pronounce her name.

No kidding.

I heard this on Animal Planet yesterday:

These days, the cougar is showing up in suburban backyards.

Yeah. They're all over the club scene, too.

Ooh, and I saw one at the pool the other day. Rawr.

Sorry I haven't posted.

I've been a little, uh...

busy.

gamma fuck jesus?

I saw this scratched into the side of a minivan the other day.

It gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

I'm invited!

Anyone want to go to the party with me?

resurrected.

If I was rich, really rich, like Bill Gates rich, I would run into people with my car(s) all the time. Anyone that pissed me off, I'd hit them. That guy who changes lanes but doesn't have enough room to move all the way over so the back end of his car is blocking your lane? Yeah, I'd hit him. The chick on her cell phone who stops at a green light because she's distracted? I'd hit her so hard. I wouldn't even care, I would totally tell them why, too. "I ran into you because you were in my way" sounds great to me. I'd even hit that disgusting creature who was shoving her fat face full of muffin yesterday. She took a drink of coffee without even swallowing her mouthful of food. That is so gross. I would totally hit her. Just because she annoyed me.

I'm dead.

I have.

You ever wake up with a Bryan Adams song in your head and a strong desire to shove something long and pointy into your eardrum?

Smell me.

I used a new perfume today and I gotta tell ya, I'm kind of turning myself on right now.

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

Yeah, I watch America's Got Talent. So what?

Call me cynical, but when Lazy Legs Luca (um) walked on stage I was thinking "well sure, who can say no to the crippled guy?"

Identity.

If you ask one of those guys, do you think they answer "I work at Best Buy" or "I'm part of the Geek Squad"?

Thursday

I'm so bored.

And I really like the Drifters.

Toy Story 2 was okay!

I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said God is Good.

If you believe in god, really believe in god, like, he's all that they say he is, then wouldn't that be kind of an understatement? God is Incredible, God is Amazing, God Will Fucking Blow Your Mind, Dude! These I'd buy. But God is Good? Isn't that kind of like a fat person saying "Eh, chocolate is okay..."?

I'd like to see a little more conviction here, people.

Reason #642 why I love KFOG

Hearing What A Wonderful World by Joey Ramone on my way in to work, taking my already excellent mood just one notch higher.

(of course, they followed it with John Mayer, which hurt a little bit)


It's sunny and hot and beautiful. I love California.

Just another one of those weird what-if questions that popped into my head.

Let's say you have to pee really bad. I'm talking three cups of coffee bad. And let's say that when you go into the bathroom you find a dead body on the floor in one of the stalls. Dead, like, murdered dead. Bloody dead. Not heart attack dead.

Of course you'd want to call the police right away.

But you still have to pee really bad.

And there's two stalls so it's not like you'd be contaminating evidence or anything. Would you go first and then call the police?

Or maybe you wouldn't have to go anymore after you saw the body, but you'd need to change your pants instead.

Mrs. Governor of California

I had a dream last night that Arnold Schwarzenegger asked me to marry him.

And I said yes.

And then he kissed me.

Ew, huh?

Confession.

Little Women just made me cry.

A tiny bit.


**Edit: The book. Not the movie.

I choose you, Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!

Does anyone else think that Pokemon is a little like cockfighting? I mean, they throw two creatures into a ring to fight each other. Sounds like cockfighting to me.

But I need the caffeine.

When you get to be a certain age, you know you shouldn't have coffee at 7pm. It just doesn't work like it used to, right?

So, if anyone wants to call me tonight, or early tomorrow morning, feel free.

I'll be up.

Fluffy.

I now have six pillows on my bed. Eight if you count the throw pillows.

I'm starting to think that's too many pillows.

Maybe that's why my cat didn't get up with me this morning. My bed is just too comfy.

God damn, I hate the word comfy.

True or False:

I lost my virginity to my 10th grade geometry teacher.

True or False:

Jeremy is so in love with me.

True or False:

I feel guilty if I drive over 75 mph.

True or False:

I stayed sober until I was 20.

Perspective

Sometimes I think things like:

What if someone breaks into my house and kills me in my sleep?

And sometimes I think things like:

What if my hair dryer stops working before I'm finished drying my hair?

But you have to look on the bright side of things. Like "being killed in my sleep is better than being raped and beaten first" or "hey, I've always wanted to try my hair curly!"

Hey, your ride is here.

Wednesday.

1. Why does there have to be an odd number of Smarties in each package? It seriously annoys me.

(and I'm talking about real Smarties, not those fucked up chocolate things.)



2. Isn't it funny how that song Bad Day by Daniel Powter is so happy and peppy that it makes me smile when I sing it?

Something I saw today.

Wouldn't you laugh all the time if you lived on Nutwood Street?

I would.

Luke at me. (wink wink)

Sometimes when I'm notarizing something I get this whole superiority complex. It's because of that part at the end that says "Witness my hand and official seal."

I'm like, yeah that's right. Witness it, bitches.

napkins

You know when you heat up your lunch in the microwave and you put a paper towel over it in case it explodes all over the place?

Do you use that paper towel when you eat?

I always feel like it's infused with radiation, so I throw it away. I'm curious to know if others have the same irrational ideas.

Come on, Scooter. Enlighten me.

I forgot to tell you something.

Even if you know how useless you are without it.

Even if you know you won't have the patience to do it in the morning.

Even if you're OCD enough to use your coffee pot's timer on the weekends.

Even if.

Don't grind coffee before bed when you've been drinking.

You'll just make a mess.

Trust me on this.

Also, it smells like pepper.

Have you ever found a shampoo that is so good that even the next morning your hair still looks (and feels) great? I have.



But it's $20 a bottle. Not a big bottle, I'm talking $20 for 10 ounces. Plus, I need the conditioner.

How much is awesome hair worth to you?

I need some justification here, people.

it's lunchtime

One thing about living across the street from a school. Those fucking kids scream all the time. I don't get it.

The best part of waking up is Charlotte in your cup.

Nothing wakes you up like a piping hot cup of spider coffee. Wouldn't you say?

Good thing this is the coffee pot at work and not my Cuisinart. Because I'll never be able to drink coffee from it again. Memories.

That's some coffee.

This picture is from Tuesday, not today. Couldn't be today because I'm not at work today. Or tomorrow. That's right, babies, four day weekend for Cindy the Lou.

Jealous?

How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?

Break her fingers.

Missing.

Do ghosts steal keys?

P.S.
Saw the Fudge Lover today. In the flesh.

Yeah, so I've been watching a lot of TV.

Fuck you, Heroes, for being gone for five weeks.

And fuck you, CSI, for scaring me.

And what's up with Dave Matthews only playing retards on TV and movies?

*****************************


So, Red's been popping up all over the place.

Medium, Psych, House.

I guess he only likes to do shows with one word names. Maybe he's a little bit OCD.

I'm going to watch The Pursuit of Happyness now. I wonder if anyone noticed they spelled happiness wrong. Dummies.

Clarification

Answer a question for me.

You know the song Our House? If you don't, it's over there to the right. Of course, if you don't, then you're lame. Anyway, I've never quite understood the line about how the kids will miss their mom in lots of ways. What ways? How many different ways are there for someone to miss their mom?

How many ways do you miss your mom?

After party.

The best thing about tequila shots is grinding the lemon slices in the disposal. Much better smell than stale beer.

Hello, friend.

I bought beer at 7-11 today. I pulled the 12-pack from the cooler and when I was walking up to the register I smiled. It has been a really long time since I bought beer at 7-11. It was like coming home.

Great post, Cindy Lou. Great post.

I was going to write a post that said:

My cat is very fat and annoying.

She kind of reminds me of someone.

And then on the word someone I was going to link to Jeremy's page.

But then I thought, no, that's too mean.

So I didn't.

I parked in the lot past 10pm.

If you got a parking ticket but they wrote your license plate wrong and there was no other identifying information on the ticket...

would you pay it?

Traffic.

You know what the problem is with sitting in traffic for an hour in the morning? By the time I get to work I have to pee like a racehorse.

I'm so emo.

The other day it was cloudy and rainy but in one spot there was a patch of blue sky in the shape of a C. I think god put it there just for me. But right above the C there was a really dark cloud. It was very symbolic.

"Gyrating temps"

What does this mean to you?

1. Dress in layers
2. Call a staffing agency right away

Hey, what does it mean when everything pisses you off all day long? When the littlest things make you want to ram someone with your car? When the laid back, mellow, let-things-roll-off-her-back girl is suddenly a rage-filled, violent, murderous (on the inside, of course) bitch?

And the exaggeration and the dramatics. What's that all about?

Tell me.

Was anyone really surprised by the end of The Illusionist? Really?

Movie

Did you know that the devil is not in The Devil Wears Prada? Yeah, neither did I.

It's kind of a stupid movie, actually. Did you see Mean Girls? It's like that, only with older actors. And boy, do I mean older.


Although, when you can't see the wrinkles on her neck she doesn't look half bad, huh?

Makes me think of that song by Bette Midler.

Oh fuck. I just mentioned Bette Midler in a post. I think that's my cue.

I saw a midget at the bus stop.

You'd think there was more to this story, but there's not. I saw a midget waiting for the bus and I hope he's not there tomorrow. That's all.

I'm still alive, I'm just busy. And I've been having issues with my Tivo and I had to

.......

This is hard to say out loud.

I watched Heroes...

in real time. With commercials.

I know.

I'll be ok.

In time.

Word up.

I think I'm going to start using the word copulate more often.
It's a funny word, copulate.

I like it.

This is why I love KFOG.

You know it's going to be a good day when you hear Stand By Your Man sung by Lyle Lovett on the radio in the morning.

I recommend KFOG to all visitors to the bay area.

Name that substance.

I want to know why the arm of my chair is all sticky.

Jeremy?

Catch up.

I finished Derailed last night. That's pretty fucked up.

I started a post on Wednesday that said:

"I'm reading Derailed right now. It's pretty fucked up."

But then I thought, no, one of those assholes will give away the ending.

Jeremy.

It's even worse than I thought.

I bought beer. I planned on drinking beer. I feel I should drink beer seeing as I'm not going to work tomorrow. But my heart just isn't in it.

So I'm sober.

How much confidence do YOU have in your deodorant?

When you're sitting in close quarters with other people, such as an airplane, or, say, jury duty, it's very rude to lean back with your arms over your head. I don't care if you smell like a fresh spring breeze, I still don't want your fucking armpit in my face.

It's that time of the month again.

Apparently, this blog has become nothing more than me rambling about movies, but hey, some might say that's an improvement.

This time I have a question about Teen Wolf. Now, I don't mean to be critical because we all love that movie. But I thought werewolves were only werewolves during a full moon. The first time Michael J changed into a werewolf it was during a full moon. For the rest of the movie though, he was a werewolf all the time. Does that mean they can choose to be that way even when it's not a full moon? That's now how it was with Oz...

I'm not buying it, Scott.


(I spelled werewolf wrong?)

Unrealistic premise.

I was watching 13 Going On 30 (really) and I have to tell you, I refuse to believe that there would be that many people at one party who know the dance from Thriller.

Yeah.

That's the part I have a hard time accepting.

Dr. What?

I accused Duckie of offering advice simply because he had nothing to post about. I threatened to do the same, and now I'm following through with that threat. (You have to follow through with threats or nobody will fear you. That one was free.)

Of course, unlike him, I give great advice. I'm like Dr. Phil, Ann Landers, and Nanny 911 rolled up into one hot package. With awesome hair.

Wait, fuck that comparison. That would be like, Dr. Phanny, or something. I don't want to be Dr. Phanny.

So, how about it, guys? Anyone want some advice?

Because I have nothing to post about.

Expanding horizons.

Ty Pennington is doing Bayer commercials now. I liked him on Trading Spaces. Then he moved to that Extreme Makeover show, the home edition. He has his own line of home furnishings at Sears. I think he may be planning to take over the world. Once room at a time.

Starting with my bedroom.

Random shower thought #1

How about that movie where Michael Keaton is reincarnated as a snowman.

That’s a little hard to believe.

I think they're getting Bruce Willis to play it in the movie.

I got some new mascara at the store the other day. It's unstoppable. This concerns me a little bit. I generally consider myself to be stronger than my make-up, but I think I'm going to watch my step around my make-up bag in the morning, just in case.

But Randal did The Wrangle.

I just finished watching Clerks 2 and I just have one thing to say. They did it backwards. They should have had the better quality film back when they were younger and thinner and had better skin. I would have appreciated the grainy black and white this time.

Guilty pleasure

99.7 FM used to be an oldies station that I liked. It's now Movin' 99.7 and it sucks. However, it's still programmed into preset number eight on my stereo so I sometimes mistakenly put it on when searching for something to listen to on my drive. I'm usually in a daze when I drive so I occasionally leave it on way past the point of decency. They play a lot of music that reminds you of the roller rink in sixth grade. This morning I heard I Wanna Sex You Up. And yeah, I left it on and listened to the whole song. Shut up, you'd do it, too.

Hey, listen to this one.

I was behind a minivan today that had an advertisement for All State Insurance on the back. Like the person driving was an agent or something. Anyway, the tail light was broken. I thought that was kind of a bad sign. I don't know about you but that doesn't leave me with a good feeling about All State Insurance. Sure, they say I'm in good hands, but how can I be sure?

I want to be this cat.

The beginning of the end.

Has anyone noticed that I totally hate blogging now?



And Jeremy, I swear to god if you comment that blogging hates me too I'm going to hunt you down.

Nothing's going on.

It's almost two and all I've done today is watch three episodes of Big Day, two eposides of CSI (Las Vegas, naturally), finished the season finale of the Dead Zone (finally), and I ate a plate of Tater Tots. Then I took a shower and realized I have no business eating a plate of Tater Tots. I think I need to go on that post-holiday diet that SJ was talking about. I've never actually dieted before. (shut up, Jeremy) I've always been a believer that if you stay active you can eat pretty much whatever you want. Apparently though, sitting around for five hours watching TV isn't quite the activity level required for that.

And maybe the lemon-garlic chicken I make with the, you know, stick of melted butter isn't such a good idea either.

Or it could just be all the beer I had last night.

Swim away, swim away!

You guys ever had this stuff? Moose Munch from Harry and David?

Don't do it.

If you ever see a bag of this around, just run away.

Trust me.

The world according to a five year old.

This just in:

Superman is cooler than Santa.

(but have a merry Christmas anyway)

My tree is more lovely than a poem.

So I'm flipping through Rolling Stone magazine (thank you, anonymous Rolling Stone subscription donor) and the kid walks by and catches a glimpse of something that automatically appeals to boys under the age of ten. Butts. Naked butts, to be exact. To make a long story short, take a look at what I saw the next time I walked into the living room.





Yeah, this is what a five year old considers an appropriate Christmas ornament.


Kids are weird.

Friday, finally.

I saw a bumper sticker that said Abortion Stops a Beating Heart and I was all, yeah, but wouldn't it be kind of creepy if it didn't?

In the morning.

You know that great feeling when you turn over in the night and look at your clock and you realize you have like, two more hours before you have to get up? You look at the clock hoping it doesn't say you have to get up in twenty minutes, and when you see it's only four AM you're all happy and you roll back over with a smile on your face.

Well, you know what feels even better? When you wake up and look at the clock and notice that you would have left ten minutes ago if you actually had to go to work today. Then you still get to roll over and go back to sleep.

That's right, bitches, I have the day off. Nice.

Frumpy day.

Those of you who have been reading this sorry excuse for a blog a while may remember what the rain does to my hair.

Well, this morning I had on a jacket with no hood and my day was ruined.

All because of my hair.

Actually, all because the jacket I should have had on was at the drycleaners and when I went to pick it up yesterday I had this whole freak out because I thought I left my wallet at DSW but found it in my car a little later incident and couldn't get the jacket because I had no money on me. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a gay retard. Who uses run on sentences.

Sundays always suck

I jut stepped in cat puke. I swear, I don't know why I bother feeding that cat sometimes. I would save time by just dumping the can of food right on the floor. The only fun part is when I hear her making the "I'm about to puke" noise and I see if I can get her off the carpet and to the tile in time. It's kind of like that game Perfection.

I put up a little comedy for you. Enjoy!

My own math problem

A box of See's candy + being alone in the office = bad combination.

Slave driver.

I'm so mean.

My kid is home sick today and I have him doing worksheets.

No slacking off here!

Well, I mean, after we finished watching Superman Returns and Fat Albert.