Monday, right?

My power went out this morning. I had to leave for work so I don't know how long it was out and I'm scared to drink my milk.

I also tried to take a splinter out of my son's hand this morning but was unsuccessful. He acted like I was trying to amputate. It this just my kid being a pansy or are all kids weird about splinters?

Someone in Fremont loves to look at my blog and has an awful lot of time on their hands. That's all I have to say about that.

Boris the Spider (creepy crawly creepy crawly)

You ever get the feeling that something is crawling on you, so you look at your leg to see what it is, but there's nothing there? And even as you're looking at your spider-free leg you still feel something crawling on you, as if the spider is invisible? You feel it, but you can't see it, so your eyes and your skin are at odds.

What's that about?

Uninspired post

As Duckie so nicely pointed out, I've been lazy about posting. I don't know why, I just haven't been in a place to post lately. Like, my chair, or in front of a computer.
I have been listening to so much Mitch Hedberg lately that I'm starting to think in his voice. Thoughts go through my head and I find myself emphasizing like him. Like, the back of the Lays bag says "Nothing compliments a sandwich like Lays." and I'm thinking "They ain't said shit to me." And anyone who knows me will tell you that I hate the word ain't. Well, anyone who knows me might not actually tell you that. Unless maybe you asked.

I came home from work today and changed from khaki pants and a black shirt into khaki shorts and a black tank top. I'm living on the fucking edge right there, boy.

Living up to my heritage.

Here it is, Sunday evening, and the one thing I hoped to accomplish this weekend (mop the kitchen floor) is still waiting to be finished. Or started.

Things I did accomplish this weekend:

Consumed several beers
Went to see Monster House
Started a small fire in my kitchen
Had a banana split
Watched about four hours of TV

All in all, I have to say it was a pretty successful weekend.
What did you do?

Listen.

People who say 'rita instead of margarita are gay.

Bonus: I can keep the same song up for this post.

I realized two things today.

1. Mitch Hedberg is funnier than I originally thought.

2. When you're alone, watching your kid's gymnastics class, and you listen to Mitch Hedberg on your iPod you look like a fucking idiot.

Let's see if I can make this happen. Try downloading him.

Attempt #1

Attempt #2

Kids are weird.

Tell me something.

What would possess a person to hang a sword from a tiny bottle of Sunny Delight? Then be completely shocked when the bottle tips over and spills all over the kitchen floor?

I mean, it's enough to not be aware that a four foot sword will not be supported by an eight ounce bottle of juice, but why on earth would you want to do this? When did hanging things from beverages become entertainment?

Seriously.

Last night...

She said...

No. She said nothing.

I didn't turn on my alarm clock last night. I checked it to make sure it was set for the correct time, which I do every night even though I know I haven't changed it. Hm. Apparently, just checking to see what time it's set for doesn't actually make it go off in the morning. You'd think so, but you'd be wrong. I mean, the alarm clock should know that you don't check it if you're sleeping in the next day, right?

My hands smell like tuna.

Good god, that sounded so wrong.

The California DMV website states that you cannot order a personalized license plate with the number "69" in it unless you have a 1969 vehicle.

That's a bunch of crap.

I totally want it now, simply because I can't have it.

I wonder how much trouble they had with it that they had to make it a rule? I would love to see how sneaky people tried to be, hiding a 69 reference in their license plates.

Give it a try.

Would you rather be a bullfrog?

I have a question.

Would you rather have a friend think of you as a dick or a pussy?

For example:

Let us say you have a friend who is a member of the opposite sex. Your new girlfriend/boyfriend comes along and demands that you no longer be friends with this person. Do you

a. Dump this friend of four years without a word of explanation, leading them to believe you are a complete dick, or do you

b. Tell this friend what’s going on and risk the friend thinking of you as a total pussy?


**Just to clarify, nobody has asked me to get rid of anybody.

10:25 on a Monday night

So, there's nothing going on in my life.
But for some reason, I feel the need to post about the nothingness that is my existence. As if anyone wants to read about that.

I'm mocking you.

You know who you are.

Trash by the road

On the way home today I saw a garbage can
smashed on the side of the freeway.

I stopped and pondered the irony for a moment.

And then I moved on.

News

UC Santa Cruz approved a new major.

Gaming.

Because that's what Santa Cruz needs.

More stoners.

Sorry I called you Fatty, Fatty.

I just ate my peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I brought for lunch.
Because I'm a big fat cow.

It was good.

Hi ladies.

Sorry I was gone so long, I've been very busy. I had a great birthday weekend, just awesome. Thank you all for the birthday wishes, even if some of you only did it because I said to. It worked anyway. Then I went to Disneyland with my son. I'm so not about Disneyland. I still had fun, but it's going to be a while before I go back. I'd rather go to Yosemite.

LA is weird. It takes a certain breed to be able to live there, I think. Certain things drive me crazy, like the lack of left turn lights. Also, where else can you be sitting in gridlock at noon on a weekday, on a freeway that has like seventeen lanes? Also, the McDonalds across the street from Disneyland is full of white trash after 9pm. Also, it's fucking hot there.

I noticed that a lot of people are ugly. I noticed also that a lot of ugly people have cute kids. How does that happen? It's like the kids take only the good features of each parent. Or something. Since there are some parents with no good features. Milkman's baby? It's possible.

I noticed that a lot of people who shouldn't be showing their feet to anyone but a podiatrist wear sandals. Don't they know? Don't they ever look at their own feet? Haven't they ever heard of lotion?

I noticed that a lot of women wear clothes that shouldn't see the light of day. And show body parts that shouldn't see the light of day.

And hello, my kid is useless. We were in line near this guy who was holding his girlfriend's purse, this small lime green thing. I tried to get Caden to tell him "Your purse is cute" but he wouldn't do it. What good is that kid anyway?