Monday, November 16, 2009

Taken out of context.

I just finished reading the Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. I picked it up at the used bookstore in Campbell. The person who had it before me underlined one sentence in the book: I collected men with interesting names. I wonder what it was about that sentence that made her pick up a pen and underline it in blue. Maybe she aspired to collect men with interesting names. Maybe she thought that was an important theme for the book. It was only on page 51, so maybe she thought she was going to find other gems in the following 193 pages. But that was the only thing that was underlined in the whole book, so she either didn't finish it or she didn't find anything else that resonated with her. I assume it was a she, though I suppose it could have been a he. A he with a burning desire to collect men with interesting names.

Friday, November 13, 2009

So no one told you life was gonna be this way *clapclapclapclap*

I wish I had known how fucking hard it is to be happy as an adult. When you're a kid you think life is all sunshine and rainbows, and you think it's going to stay that way. Nobody prepares you for the later years when your life falls apart. Completely.
Maybe while we're teaching our kids not to chew with their mouths open we should also give them a heads up that no, life is not what they're expecting. You think you're going to get out of school, get a great job that you love, meet someone, get married, buy a house, have 2.5 kids, and live happily ever after? Keep in mind, kiddo, that over the course of the following 6 to 10 years you and your wife might grow so far apart that you have nothing in common and can't stand to be in the same room. That house that you just finished working on might go to some other couple who are at the beginning of the lie. And those friends you think you can lean on? They're all going through their own shit. Marriages dissolving, diseases claiming one limb after another, special needs children. Nobody has time anymore. Nobody has the energy. They might care, but it won't matter. You're on your own. So get used to taking care of yourself. Because life is really fucking hard.

"is a brighter discontent the best that I can hope to find?"

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

My fan lied to me!

And speaking of inanimate objects pulling pranks on you, my TV Guide totally Rick Rolled me last week. There was an article on Rick Springfield's appearance on the show Californication and the title of the article was Rick Role.
Which of course made that song get stuck in my head.

They also had an interview with the chick who plays Dexter's sister/wife, Deb. They asked her if it was annoying when people wrote all over the internet that Dexter married his sister. She replied that yes it was annoying, and they don't even have it right because Deb and Dexter aren't related by blood, Dexter is adopted.

That's an interesting argument, Deb. But personally, I would have gone with the trusty: It's a show, and those are characters we play. It's not real.

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...

Saturday, October 24, 2009

One blog for sale! One blog for sale! One crying and spying young blog for sale!

Wow, remember when I used to write on this thing? Remember when I used to be funny?
(remember when Jeremy answered no to those questions in my comments?)

I was at a light the other day and the woman behind me was eating what I think was toast in the car behind me. She chewed with her mouth open. I don't understand how someone gets to adulthood thinking that it's ok to chew with their mouth open. Didn't she have parents? Or do you think her parents chew with their mouths open, too? Maybe her parents didn't want to damage her fragile self esteem by telling her she's doing something wrong. But that's just gross. And about a week ago I saw an older couple, probably in their sixties, both of them chewing their gum like cows. Cows, I tell you. So listen. If you have kids, please teach them to chew with their mouths closed. Nobody wants to see that shit.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Missed Connections.

You: Smelled very strongly of onions at ten in the morning.
Me: Completely grossed out and thinking you are a disgusting pig and how about you move your fat pig face to North Dakota where they tolerate freak pigs like you because frankly, they'll take what they can get.

Now that I think about it, that's not much of a missed connection. That totally belongs in Rants and Raves.

Nobody ever Raves in Rants and Raves.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I saw dolphins at the beach today.

I also saw another one of those stupid Nissan Cubes on my way over the hill. This is the second one I've seen; I saw one a few weeks ago on 280. I suppose I could choose to believe it was the same one, and there aren't two people in the bay area who think this car is a good idea. Don't we have enough ugly cars on the road, what with the rising popularity of the Smart Car plus every 5th car being a damn Prius? Come on, guys. You can get good gas mileage in a nice looking car, you don't need to resort to this. I'd even accept the Mini, even though I don't think you'd survive a wreck with a Big Wheel. Let's just think about our car purchases a little before going out and getting the next "hot" car, ok? I'm depending on you.

But really, just if you live in California. The rest of the country can drive whatever they want as long as they stay over there.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

iPod on shuffle.

I heard a Curtis Peoples song followed by a Toad the Wet Sprocket song.

Which is funny because Curtis Peoples opened for Toad last weekend.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Self proclaimed dork.

You know what's worse than having Hit Me Up by Gia Farrell on my iPod?

The fact that it's there because it was on the Happy Feet soundtrack.

Monday, June 29, 2009

I wasn't sure which blog this belonged on...

The company NothingBundtCakes uses the catch phrase:

So yummy you'll wish it didn't have a hole!

and they all thought that was a good idea?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

you with me again?

Quick, what do you think of when you hear the name Mojo Nixon?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Are you guys with me?

Her license plate said HI PRICE.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I may be addicted to satellite radio.

I was racing a Corvette on my way to work this morning.
He didn't know we were racing.
I still lost.

I didn't know that the Camper Van Beethoven song Pictures of Matchstick Men was a cover. Did you know that? It was originally done by Status Quo in 1968. (thanks, 60's on 6!) They didn't even change it, either. It's just the same song with a slightly heavier Brittish accent. I feel cheated. And it makes me wonder what other cover songs I'm unaware of.

Hey, have you guys been over to the Daily Innuendos blog?

Monday, June 08, 2009

Competitive spirits.

My son's team played their end of season tournament this past Saturday. The first game ended 0-0, but the other team had to forfeit because one of the parents from our team noticed that they had a player on their team who wasn't actually on their team. They played some other kid so they could win. What the hell is that all about? They're going to cheat by putting in a ringer (who didn't even get the job done, by the way) for a soccer game between a bunch of eight year old kids? Can't they just give their kids steroids like the rest of us? Jeez. Grow up.

Friday, June 05, 2009


I really have the most amazing hair.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Technology rules.

I try to remember to write down the mileage in my car and how much gas I got each time I refuel so I can calculate my gas mileage. The thing is, I know my car will do that for me if I just took the time to read the manual. It does all kinds of things that I will never be able to do because I don't read the damn manual.

And my Jimmy Neutron notepad works just as well.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


What's up with having a spoiler on the back of a pickup truck?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


I hate coming back to work after a couple days off to a huge pile of work on my desk. But what's even worse is coming back to no work on my desk.

Think about it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Where did he pick that up?

My son just said "I'm in a crisis situation. I can't find my Lego guy."

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Your sister is a whore!

I went to pick up my son from school (early!) today. As we were walking out to the car he sees this little boy and says "Aren't you Sophie's* brother?"
The kid says "Yes. My sister kissed me!" (which is weird in itself, right?)
But then my son replies "Your sister tried to kiss me, too!" and he said it in that "your sister tries to kiss everyone" voice.
So I dragged him off before the kid tried to fight my son for calling his sister a slut.
Even though my son could have totally kicked his ass. But that slutty sister better stay the hell away from my son, damn it.

*Name changed to protect the reputation of the young. Or possible because I can't remember the slut's real name. Your choice.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

One thing about me is,

I fucking hate crooked bumper stickers.
Bugs the shit out of me.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Should have learned your lesson after the first two.

I'm very judgemental when it comes to strangers. Luckily, I'm not that way with my friends. My friends can be alcoholics, beat their dog, and/or cheat on their spouses and I won't bat an eye. But I see a grown man in a 49ers jacket riding a bike down the street and I automatically think he lost his license for getting too many DUIs.

Thursday, March 12, 2009


Once I stole a chair from Taco Bell.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Another post about my cat?

I sleep on the left side of the bed. So when the entire right side of the bed is open, why does my cat insist upon squeezing her fat body into the three inches between me and the left edge of the bed? And I can't pick her up and move her because she'll bite me (which I swear she does in my sleep anyway) so I end up scooting over and giving her the space she wants even though I'm supposed to be higher up on the food chain.

My cat is never going to die.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Things I saw today.

I saw a convertible Bentley next to a convertible Aston Martin at a light in Redwood City today. In Redwood City. Home of the crack whores, the crippled homeless, and...

This lady.

I also saw a guy with a leopard print car seat in the back of his Carrera, a small Asian woman sitting in her car re-applying her make-up with Cypress Hill blasting, and what I believed to be a large raccoon splattered all over the freeway.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Don't you turn your back on me when I'm talking to you!

Do you think that Wilson and Cuddy are tired of House stopping mid-sentence, staring off into the distance, and then stomping away to save someone's life?

Don't you think they would like to complete a conversation once in a while?

God damn it anyway.

Monday, January 26, 2009

All god's creatures.

I stepped on a worm the other day and I was more concerned with worm guts on my shoe than the fact that I just squished a living thing. Although, it was pretty flat before I stepped on it, so I suspect that I didn't actually take it's life, I just reinforced the fact that it was dead.

I think that in nature the smaller the creature is the more expendable it is. But when it comes to humans, the opposite is true.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I've noticed

that sometimes the songs that are the most fun to sing are the ones you're embarrassed to have on your ipod.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I know, nobody posts on Friday, right?

But guess what? Someone does. You wouldn't want me to wait until Monday and then forget, would you? (don't answer that, Jeremy)

I hate those bumper stickers that say "Give blood, play hockey." That's not giving blood, that's just bleeding. Those hockey players are stupid. If you want to give blood, go to the Blood Centers of the Pacific. They'll hook you up.


(I'm so funny)

Have a great weekend, all!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Snot cool.

I just read in the TV Guide that Scarlett Johansson auctioned off a used Kleenex on eBay for $5300. That's...pretty gross. I mean, it's nice that she raised that much money for charity, but wouldn't you worry about the mental stability of someone willing to pay $5300 for a used Kleenex? I don't care who's Kleenex it is, that's just plain weird. It could be Jimmy Stewart's Kleenex. It could be Ashley Judd's Kleenex. I'm still not paying $5300 for boogers.

$2500 is my limit.

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