Friday, December 30, 2005

your myspace is still gay

Jesus Christ, even the fucking Carver
has a MySpace page!

What's wrong with the world?

(Guess I'd better join)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I guess I'm a jackass

Terra and I have this little project that we work on from time to time. We have a pair of Elvis glasses and we try to get people to let us take pictures of them with the glasses on. Well, I suppose I shouldn't say we try since we've yet to be denied.

who could say no to us?)

The point is not quantity though, no no no. It's quality. You can get anyone and everyone to put on the glasses, but we want the interesting ones, not just any slut at the bar. Like this guy, one of my personal favorites:

I mean really, does he not look awesome?

Also, you have to love the guy at the liquor store.

Anyway, the point of this post (I know, long time coming, huh?) is that I got my hands on the Jackass Volume One DVD this weekend because I love Johnny Knoxville you know, and he has the same glasses on. I think this counts and I'm hereby entering it in our album.

**I hope Johnny Knoxville Googles himself and finds this post.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Is this annoying yet? How about now?

Every time my son says "Guess what" to me (which, if you've ever been around a four year old you'll know is quite often) I answer "Chicken butt". Then he says no, and proceeds to tell me what the guess what was about.

So far he hasn't shown annoyance, just calmly says no as if I was seriously suggesting that chicken butts were worth a big "Guess what!". I'm going to say it every time until he finally gets irritated. But I'm very curious as to how long this will take. Any guesses? How long would it take to annoy YOU?

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Right down Santa Claus Lane

Santa is a really crappy wrapper. Probably because Santa is trying to wrap presents after having a little too much to drink. Santa recently discovered the joy of Baileys in her coffee.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Oink oink

Not only am I eating enchiladas, beans, and rice for breakfast but I'm having them with Ruffles!

Yeah, that's right.

Who's a little Christmas piggy?

Thursday, December 22, 2005


I had margaritas.
I had margaritas.

(I'm singing that in the neener-neener-neener voice that is SO annoying)

Can you believe I have to work tomorrow?

Will I want to get out of bed?
Will I want to go to work?

Will I want to stay in my PJ's drinking coffee and


Making banana pancakes?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Love California

All of the sudden it was like 70 degrees here today. It's still very warm outside, I'd say 65-ish?
But you know what they say.

Earthquake weather.

I'm not scared.

I dreamed about Cat and Shawn last night.

(it's actually pretty convenient that I already had a picture of a sleeping squirrel here and I could just go in and add the dream bit. it's almost as if I had a premonition last night and somehow knew I'd be posting about a dream today)

Sunday, December 18, 2005

So this is music.

You all know John Lennon's Happy Christmas song, yes? Great song, everyone loves it, etc. What I want to know is, at what point did John Lennon decide that Yoko Ono's voice sounded good? I mean, did he really sit there and listen to the finished cut and say to himself "That's it, that sounds great"? Did he really think it sounded good or was he ignoring the fact that her voice can curdle milk simply because she was his wife? Maybe John was trying to get laid that night, so he said she could sing on the track. Maybe she threatened to create more (ahem) "performance art" if he didn't let her sing. Although sing is pushing the limits of the definition of the word. What's the word I'm looking for...
Yes, that's it. Let's look up some synonyms for caterwaul, shall we? That will be fun.
bawl, bay, yowl, cry, holler, howl, mewl, scream, screech, squall, squeal, ululate, wail, whine, yell, yelp, yip.
Ululate? Interesting word.
Anyway, before I got distracted by I was talking about the way Yoko Ono's voice makes my ear drums bleed and how the hell John Lennon made the decision to let her be in the song. What do you think? Do you think he truly felt she was worthy or do you think he was trying to score points?
You know what I mean.

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

(right here is where everything goes to shit)

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over over
If you want it
War is over

(you'd think I would put this song up on my mp3 player, wouldn't you? but no, I defy logic, I laugh in the face of reason! If you want to hear the song you'll have to download it yourself. click on the link, do it. I put up Lyle Lovett because it's appropriate and it makes me laugh. and that's what life is all about, keeping myself amused. take care)

Friday, December 16, 2005

It's Friday

Let's get hammered.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I've been a bad, bad girl

I've been careless with a delicate blog.
I know, I know, I suck. I haven't been writing, I haven't been commenting, I haven't been returning emails, I haven't signed on to MSN in ages. You must feel abandoned.

Well, you are.

No, of course I'm kidding. I love you all. I'm just busy right now and you're all taking the hit. I apologize. I promise to lavish you with attention just as soon as I possibly can. But for now you'll have to make do with retarded pictures of weird rodents dressed as people.
Every chance I get, guys.
Every chance I get.

I'll try harder. I promise.
I've got a lot to lose and I'm betting high so I'm begging you before it ends just tell me where to begin.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

O, Tannenbaum

I put more lights than ever before on my tree this year. Guess what that means? More opportunities for me to obsess over the exact placement of each bulb! Yay me. On Sunday I put the lights on, rearranged them, took half down, put them back up in a different arrangement, added another strand, it was crazy. By the time I got to the bottom of the tree I realized I was gritting my teeth like a tweaker working the graveyard shift at Walgreens trying to hold it together until six when I can finally go home and organize my closet with the new plastic bins I got with my employee discount. It took so much out of me I had to put off the actual decorating until today. It's hard work decorating a tree with a four year old. Do you know how difficult it is to move ornaments that were unacceptably hung without getting caught? It's rough, I tell you. I tried to tell him the rules: no hanging ornaments from the lights, make sure the ornament isn't touching the branch below it, do not, under any circumstances, hang two red bulbs next to each other. Is it my fault that the kid has the attention span of well...a four year old? At least he got over his idea that all frog ornaments have to hang on one branch. That was a mess. Finally, after many, many switches and changes and rearrangements, the tree was finished. Caden put the star on, we plugged it in and turned it on and voila! My star didn't work. I was so bummed. Wait, I still AM bummed. I bought that star when I was 19 living in Sacramento. I love that star. Now I have to buy a new one and Caden has some bizarre idea that we need one with orange lights in it. I don't have the heart to tell him no, so I may be a little twitchy this Christmas season.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I wonder...

but I don't wonder very much.
The Ikea on my way to work has big advertisements flashing on and off every few seconds.
"Welcome to East Palo Alto" because yeah, that makes me feel safe.
"KFOG Music in the Morning" ok, I do like KFOG and I'd recommend it to anyone visiting from out of town.
But the one that caught my eye is the one that says:
Two million impacts a day in the Bay Area. 1-800-549-7300.
It made me wonder, what happens when you call that number? Is it just an automated voice that repeats what the ad said "Two million impacts a day in the Bay Area" then it hangs up on you? Or does it give you advice on how not to get into an accident driving the Bay Area freeways "Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way...turn"? I wonder, I do. But not enough to dial that number.

I'm such a lazy mexican.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I'm back

and I'm alive. Can you believe it?
I had to go down to LA and check on my family. We're all pretty upset about Tookie getting the injection tonight. Poor, sweet Tookie. It's so sad that he's going to die. I mean, who cares how many people he murdered, he wrote books! For children! He was nominated for the Nobel Prize for Christ's sake. Why shouldn't we protect his life? So he murdered four innocent people to rob a 7-11, can't we get past that? Shouldn't he be different? Shouldn't he get preferential treatment? Shouldn't he be granted clemency when the 11 other men who have been executed in the past 13 years weren't granted shit? Come on now, people. Let's protest, let's riot, let's do whatever we need to do to make sure this cold blooded killer continues to shower us with his brilliance. Books encouraging kids not to join gangs. What a novel idea! (no pun intended)(ok, it was intended, sue me) What better way to prove rehabilitation. Our Tookie wouldn't try to snow the Governator, now would he? No chance. Besides, the Governator's a Republican. No way he's giving ol' Tookie a reprieve.

Oh my god, am I actually agreeing with Arnold?
This must be the sobriety talking.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?

I'm out. See you soon, my love.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,


Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about
I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!



Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.


Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family
with those?


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.



Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.


Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?


That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?



First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,


Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I love Velveeta and I don't care who knows it.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Let her eat cake

and let me reap the benefits.

I finally made Terra her birthday cake. Only two months after her birthday, what a great friend I am. I am though. A good friend, I mean. I didn't drug the cake, do you need any more proof than that?

(although, I do admit to spiking her drink and copping a feel)

I also kicked her ASS in darts.
I rule.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

SNL last night

I just watched the Saturday Night Live from last night with Dane Cook. No, that sounds wrong. I didn't watch it with Dane Cook, although I'd love to. He hosted the show and he was very funny. But as much as I enjoyed him, I was way more impressed by James Blunt. He was great. His voice sounded just as incredible live as it does on the album. He was actually singing, too, no Ashley Simpson action going on. When he sang You're Beautiful he stared at the camera and it was like he was singing to me. I choose to believe he was singing to me. In my head that's nice. Then when he sang Goodbye My Lover, oh boy. He had so much emotion in his face and his voice, I really thought he was going to cry. He may actually have teared up a little bit. It was awesome. I loved him before, but I love him more now. Plus, he played the piano, and I'm a sucker for the piano.

(and just so you know, the links on the names are to their home pages, the links on the songs are for you to download the song, if you're interested. you can preview Goodbye My Lover over to the right)

Friday, December 02, 2005

Here I am.

Have I really not posted since Tuesday?

I got a chain letter today. It was mailed to me here at work. I suspect it’s from someone I may have declined for a loan. Those bastards hate me. I’ll probably get in a car accident on my way home today for ignoring it. So tragic.

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I think Starbucks gave me caffeine. I composed the following haiku in my head as I was trying to fall asleep:

You son of a bitch
I swear to god I’ll kill you
if you don’t shut up.

(I plan on drinking this weekend)

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