The Halloween Drop-Out

The day before Halloween and I just bought my candy. The pumpkins on the porch remain un-carved. I didn't even consider buying a costume this year and I didn't have a party or even go to one. I'm totally half-assing Halloween this year and I don't even care.

Because at least I have a Halloween squirrel to share with you.

Is one beer ever enough?

It gathers no moss.

Ok, who signed me up for Rolling Stone magazine?

Seriously, it's kind of creeping me out.

Here in CA

it's sunny and 80.

Time

Caden lost his first tooth last night. All I had was fives in my wallet so I told him I heard that the tooth fairy gives you more for your first tooth. I don't want him thinking he's getting five bucks for every tooth.

The hands rubbing together guess was the right answer. I was putting lotion on him after his bath and I was rubbing my hands together Miyagi-style. It sounded so wrong coming from his little mouth.

It seems like I never get anything done these days.

three guesses.

Last night my son said to me:

The faster you go, the hotter it gets.
That's how I like it.

Anyone care to take a stab at what he might have been talking about?

What happened here?

I was looking through my archives, trying to find that post that Ty asked me about and I noticed something.

I suck.*

I used to write so much more. I used to write about all kinds of different stuff, interesting stuff*, even. I'd post more than once a day, and I'd be kind of funny sometimes*. What the hell.

Maybe this is coming to an end. Maybe, after two years, I've finally run out of things to say.

I guess I could always tell you what's in my Tivo.

*Yeah, Jeremy. I know. Go for it.

I love George W Bush.

(I don't want to get in trouble)

**How about this, Scooter**


And will someone tell Gavin to behave himself, please? Damn.

I love a fudge lover and there's nothing you can do about it.

Dude, I saw the fucking Fudge Lover today! I can't believe it. I was walking up to my car and there was the Fudge-mobile, driving away. It was actually quite anticlimactic since I only saw her profile and it was across the parking garage, but hey, I know now that the Fudge Lover is indeed a woman. I'm one step closer to becoming, uh, I mean, knowing the Fudge Lover.

She will be mine.

Oh yes.

She will be mine.

Would You Rather...

Since nobody is getting the point (suicide joke) of my last post, I'll throw this out here. They were asking people this morning on Live 105, would you rather kick a kid or shoot a dog. The response was like 83% for kicking the kid. The girl on the show was getting kind of indignant, saying people value dogs over kids, but I think that people value life over a bruise. I mean, if the question was would you rather shoot a kid or shoot a dog, I'm sure it would be overwhelmingly for shooting the dog. Maybe not 100%, but close, right? I would shoot a dog over shooting a kid, but I wouldn't shoot a dog over kicking a kid. I'd even kick my own kid before I'd shoot a dog. But I wouldn't kick him very hard.

This is how I know Terra loves me.

Email from Cindy to Terra: 6 o'clock is good. But I may be dead in the bathtub.

Email from Terra to Cindy: So you'll be naked then?

Body parts on the freeway.

There's a shoe on the side of 280 that I see every day on my way home. It must have a red sock in it, because it at first glance it looks like it has a bloody foot in it. But that can't be true, right? They wouldn't leave a shoe with a bloody stump in it on the side of the freeway, right? If there was like an accident there or something, they would have taken the foot with them. They would have.

But that doesn't stop me from looking at it and thinking "there's that shoe with the bloody stump in it" every day on my way home from work.

And what if it really was a shoe with a bloody stump in it? What if the cops thought the EMT's grabbed it, and the EMT's thought the coroner took it and the victim was dead, or maybe just unconscious, but I think dead and the shoe just stayed there? Oh, and the other shoe is several yards past the bloody one, but this one's clean. I think a hobo was wandering the freeway at night and was hit. Hit and run, probably. A drunk driver wouldn't stop for a hobo. I think.

It's been there for a couple of weeks, and I always see it, I look for it now. I'm way too into this shoe. I wish they would take it away.

I hate seeing that bloody stump.

(but god damn, I love saying "bloody stump", or did you not catch that?)

I screwed up.

My son has a loose tooth. I want it to fall out, so I told him not to wiggle it because it grosses me out. I know that telling him that will make him play with it more.

The thing is.

It really does gross me out.

Seeing it wiggle in there and remembering what it feels like makes me feel like throwing up.

And now I've handed him all the power.

A poem and some other stuff on a Monday.

In fourteen hundred and forty two
Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
And because he found his way
I do not have to work today.

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Dude, these fucking talking dolls are creepy as hell. Amazing Amanda. Yeah, she's amazing all right. Just sleep with one eye open because I can easily see Amazing Amanda standing over you with a knife in her little rubber hand. When little Amanda says no, you better fucking listen. But seriously, do kids really want a doll that says no and poops? What kind of fun is that?

You want to know the sad truth?

Whatever you ground your kid from, you're grounded from, too. That sucks big time.

Be careful what you ground your kid from.

One more day

You know what really pisses me off?

When Ticketmaster sends me an email that says

"Don't miss Guns n' Roses".

That really pisses me off.

Death rides the uh...freeway.

I saw some roadkill this morning, oh man this was some disgusting shit, I tell you. All spread out and bloody. One of those things where you drive through some blood and guts and you're all "gross" then you drive through some more and you're all "oh man" then you drive through even more, and you're weaving all over trying to dodge the carnage and you wonder if it will ever end? And you're trying to figure out what the hell kind of animal it was that would make such a big mess but you can't make out any distinguishing characteristics of any kind of animal you've ever seen before because basically every feature has been demolished and spread all over the road like peanut butter. Crunchy peanut butter.

It was nasty.