I have something to say.

What was it again?

Um, I forgot.

Not because of acid reflux, either.

I was thinking today, as I drove home, what if you went to a karaoke place and went up on stage but instead of singing you just moved your mouth like you were lip synching? Would anybody get the joke?

And don't ask me why I think of such things. I just do.

never,

ever buy mentos from the liquor store over by the crack hotel on Broadway.

because fruity mentos should never, ever crack in two when you bite into them.

mentos don't crack.

people crack.

I'm all hopped up on the Sudafed...

And I can't tell if I like it or I hate it.

I'm a little shaky. I'm clenching my jaw like the tweakers do. I talk without knowing what I'm going to say until the words actually leave my mouth, which led me into a weird conversation with my co-worker about teabagging. I think I'm hungry, but I'm not exactly sure. I can't finish anything I start.

But hey! My nose isn't running!

No wonder they keep this shit locked up, huh?

I just needed some lactobacillus rhamnosus!

I stopped by Whole Foods today for a minute, and as I was waiting in line I saw one of those hippie mom magazines proclaiming "Circumcision does not prevent HIV."

And I think: Really? This was up for debate? I sure hope they didn't waste a bunch of my tax money on that study. I'm pretty sure every third grader in America knows that.

Because honestly, how could circumcision prevent HIV? Before I started this post I looked into the whole thing (a little bit) and saw that some people believe it can reduce the risk of HIV. But reduce the risk and prevent are two completely different stories. Also, I think Africa should take all the help it can get when it comes to HIV. That goes for you too, Haiti. If it helps, awesome. But how are they going to prove it? Seems like a really difficult study to keep under control. Seriously, like, I'm talking about the actual control group. Sucks to be them, am I right?

Anyway, my point is not whether or not circumcision can prevent/reduce the risk of HIV. My point is this:

Stay the hell away from Whole Foods market. All that hemp clothing and unwashed hair and Birkenstocks. I barely survived. And my kid wouldn't eat the damn yogurt anyway.

Addition.

My house number is 1827.

The 1 and the 8 add up to 9.
The 2 and the 7 add up to 9.

This makes me happy.

Is that weird?

Children's Cancer Research.

How do they know? How do they know that if they send me something I'll feel guilty and send them money? I don't really need seventy thousand return address labels, but sometimes they're actually cute. I prefer the ones that don't say Ms. before my name. I sent in some money a month or two ago for some cute summery labels, but they said Ms. Then a couple weeks ago I get some new ones with no Ms. and I feel bad using them without donating, so I did. Then yesterday they sent me a fucking calendar! A calendar! Sure it's got birds on it and I'd never use it, and never mind that fact that it's July, so by January it will be lost. I think it's just plain rude, guilt tripping me into sending money to save children from cancer.

Selfish bastards.