Hope can drive a man insane.

I had a narrated dream last night. I think that’s a first for me. It was quite the boring dream, but the narration was impeccable. I wish I could tell you that it was Morgan Freeman who narrated the dream.

I wish I could tell you that.

But it was more like the voice from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Still good, but he’s no Morgan Freeman.

Paul Simon.

Is it even possible to be in a bad mood when You Can Call Me Al comes on the radio? Seriously. Can you hear that song and not smile? If you're in a bad mood and you want to remain in your bad mood you should not listen to KFOG.

Same goes for Me And Julio Down By The School Yard and Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes.

And to a lesser degree Kodachrome and The Boxer.




(Just kidding about The Boxer.)

Body part slang...

...gives new meaning to that Soft Cell song...


touch me baby
tainted love
touch me baby
tainted love

Important Notice:

I will be AFK all day.**




**Sung to the tune of The KKK Took My Baby Away by The Ramones.

Seriously?

It's only 1:30?

WTF?

Random sentences.

I saw a bubblegum pink Corolla on the freeway today while I was listening to the Cure song Lullaby.


(actually it was yesterday, but that sentence doesn't sound as good)

Who died?

Yesterday I wore a black sweater with gray pants and today I have on a gray sweater with black pants. You'd think I'm in mourning or something.

Mondays are awesome, right?

I saw this bumper sticker today:

Would somebody give Bush a blowjob so we can impeach him?

It gave me a little giggle.

I was thinking about Joan Cusack the other day. Sounds weird, but it's true. I heard the song Edge of Seventeen on KFOX and it started me thinking about her performance in School of Rock. Wasn't she perfect? When they went out for "coffee" and she ended up at the bar with a beer. The way she lowered her head to sip the beer instead of lifting it to her mouth. Genius.

John may have received the lion's share of the looks in that family (not that there was much to spread around) but she's the real talent.

Don't get all offended. You know it's true. I love John Cusack as much as the next guy. You can't have grown up in the 80's and not. But I love Joan Cusack, too. She's a great actress, and she's got a sort of weird hotness about her as well.













Do you think I should cut my hair like this?

No, I'm kidding. I'm not cutting my hair. My hair looks amazing right now. It should be illegal for hair to look as good as mine did today.

Seriously.

I burned my pinkie last night

On myself because I'm so fucking hot.

Not really, it was on a pan while making dinner but I thought that whole on myself because I'm so fucking hot thing would be kind of funny.

Anyway, so it wasn't a big burn but it did blister. And today I gave myself a paper cut right on the blister.

Gross, huh?

Fuck you, Santa.

Just bring the toys and fly away, leaving us parents to put together the mother fucking TRANSFORMERS that suck ass, you stupid fuck.


You were right, J. This is fucked up. I set it aside after a while so as not to throw it off the balcony.

It's still unfinished. It's 98% Death Star, 2% Vader. Close enough.

So...

How was everyone's New Years?

I want to get really drunk tonight.

Has this ever happened to you?

You're sitting at work and it's so mind-numbingly slow that you start stabbing yourself in the neck with your scissors? Then the EMTs come and they want to take you to the psych ward because they think you actually tried to commit suicide due to the holiday blues because more people commit suicide this time of year, you know, and you try to convince them that you weren't trying to kill yourself that you were just trying to pass the time faster? But they don't believe you so you have to lie and say it was a tragic accident, that your mother never told you not to run with scissors but now you know and you won't ever do it again?

No? Just me, then?

TV

It finally hit me how this writer's strike is affecting my TV viewing. It's killed my half-hour shows. I naively thought I was immune, seeing as I have roughly 26 hours of programs stored on my Tivo. However, most of the shows I watch are an hour, and sometimes I just don't want to commit. So I've been forced to watch uh, other shows. I've watched two episodes of The Big Bang Theory. I know. I know. I left it on last week because that guy from Roseanne is on it. I don't have an excuse for this week. I will say though, that I giggled at least twice, and I think I chuckled at some point. Which is more than I got from the last two episodes of Earl.

Yeah. I totally went there.

We're all god's creatures.

I wanted to tell you about the bee.

The poor bee died in the parking garage. It was stuck in the window. I didn't quite understand that part because it shouldn't have been difficult to get out. Basically, you fly one way you hit glass, you fly the other way and you're FREE! But he couldn't do it because he was stupid so he died.

I first saw him on a Monday. I don't know how long he had been there but he was on his way to that big flower patch in the sky already. I felt like I should step on him and put him out of his misery, but he was huge. Huge. The size of a walnut. Ok, maybe the size of a grape, but whatever, he was really big and I didn't want his guts all over my shoe. Then I saw him Wednesday, still struggling to get through the glass. He was moving a lot slower, and I felt really bad about not killing him. But again, the guts thing, you know? So I let him slowly die. Looking through the glass at freedom, not knowing how to attain it. I could have ended it quickly. But I chose not to because I didn't want bee guts on my shoe. Also, the popping noise would have creeped me out.

The end.

I realized this morning...

My cat hasn't puked in like 3 weeks. Way to go, Fatness! Good job keeping your food inside. Of course, now that I've jinxed myself I so don't want to go home.

What's with me not having anything to say lately?

I think it's the Christmas Blues.

Man, those Kirby guys really want to clean my carpets.

What do you guys have for Christmas music?

Want to share?

Just five more minutes?

That Sunday let-down is even worse after a 4 day weekend, isn't it? I can't even imagine how awful the alarm clock is going to sound tomorrow. I do appreciate the fact that this 4 day weekend has seemed so long to me. Probably because I didn't have much to do. When you have a bunch of things you absolutely have to get done you end up spending your weekend too fast.

Tom and Jerry is still a funny cartoon, you know? Stuff like this:
"What's cookin'?"
"You are, stupid."

They don't call each other stupid enough in cartoons these days. New cartoons aren't as funny. But there is a commercial for some cartoon called Chowder that makes me laugh every time I see it. Which is like 6 times a day. The main character is a moron, and he says "Pepper spray! That sounds delicious! *spray* Ahhhh! I was wrong! I was horribly wrong!" I have no idea why, but that cracks me up. Apparently I like idiots, because Ed, Edd, and Eddy makes me laugh sometimes, too.

See? Cartoons. I really haven't had much to do this weekend.