Monday, April 03, 2006

Dinner music

So I'm putting dinner together tonight and the TV is on, unwatched as usual. The Brady Bunch comes on, I'm like oh that's cool, the Brady Bunch. I'm listening to it, going on with my cooking. Cindy Brady is running around chanting "I've got a secret", ok that's annoying. Then Mike Brady invites Carol to sing along with him while he plays the ukulele. Oh no please no oh god not that anything but...
Now I've got the very annoying

I want to be loved by you
by you and nobody else but you
I want to be loved by you

stuck in my head.

Fuck you, Florence Henderson. Take that fucking ukulele and shove it up your
Wait, that isn't very Christian-like.

Oh yeah, I'm not Christian.

I wondered how confused people would be if I left a suicide note that said "FUCK YOU, CAROL BRADY" and blew my brains out. I bet my sister would become plagued by it, she'd spend the rest of her life trying to figure out how and why the Brady Bunch drove me to suicide.
Consider the irony in this:
She obsessively watches every episode of the Brady Bunch, forwards and backwards, trying to decipher the meaning of my suicide note. She comes across the vile ukulele episode, watches it several times, sensing that this episode was somehow responsible for my death. She wearily switches off the TV, resigned to never unveiling the truth. Two hours later, with "I want to be loved by you" running endlessly through her head she writes the following note:

I understand now.
Cindy, I will be with you soon.

and blows her brains out.

Two lives destroyed by the evil combination of the ukulele and Florence Henderson's voice.

(and believe me, I toyed with the idea of putting that song up to go with this post but I thought that would just be too mean. So this one goes out to you, Florence, with all the love in my heart)

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