Oh, it's already been broughten

I've decided that Bring the Funk by Ben Harper is my new favorite song. I mean, who wouldn't love a song with such lyrical gems as:

Stay black
Stay white
Stay brown
Get on down
Bring the funk

or

Oh, funk me up
Funk me down
Funk me sideways
Funk me always
Bring the funk

(how many times do you think I wrote fuck while typing those lyrics? I had to back up and delete quite a few times. Damn you, Dr Freud!)

Because you can't, you won't, and you....should stop.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love the Beastie Boys. I do! I've spent many a drunken night listening to them, as well as mucho sober time, mostly during daylight hours. One night, I couldn't tell you my name to save my life, but there I was, lying on the floor in front of the Skills to Pay the Bills video, singing every song word for word. (Do I remember this fabled night? Of course not. But my friends swear to it) I remember singing Paul Revere while running the mile in 7th grade. I recently started becoming a rap snob, and I had decided that the Beastie lyrics just didn't cut it for me anymore. Thanks to Grace's Beastie Boys posts 1 & 2, I realized I had been missing them. I pulled out Paul's Boutique (naturally) and fell in love all over again. However, when I saw them on the VMA awards, I just started wondering...
What is wrong with Mike D? Did I miss something in the news lately? I mean, MCA looks kind of old, with the gray hair and all, but he still looks ok. Ad Rock looks like the drugs may be catching up with him a little, but all in all, ok. Mike D looks like a cancer patient! Maybe liver disease? Whatever it is, he needs some rest. No offense, boys, but take a break, get some sleep, maybe take some vitamins or something. We don't want you breaking any bones out there.

The Beastie Men

Warning: This post contains scenes so graphic and Un-PC in nature, parental supervision is suggested.

American Blogger posted about the Fugees song Killing Me Softly. I have strong feelings about that song. I've been disturbed, I've seen things...oh yes. Things that would make strong men shriek in the night. Nightmares that will always have Killing Me Softly on the soundtrack. To fully explain, I will take you back to 1997, Venice Beach, California. There we were, minding our own business, shopping, taking in the sights, doing whatever it is people do in Venice Beach. Suddenly I could hear that song, soft at first, but gradually growing louder as we got closer to the source. We came upon a man, tapping a tambourine to the beat of Killing Me Softly. Innocent enough, I suppose. Until there was a break in the crowd, and I could see what everyone was standing around watching. There, on the sidewalk, was a man. A man with no legs, one arm, and one nub. He was dancing. Dancing to that song, that damn song. Rolling around on the ground, waving his one arm, sexy like. Biting on his nub with a come-hither look on his face. Dancing like he was dancing on a stage with a pole. Now, you may be thinking I'm mean, that the poor guy had a quarter of the limbs I currently have and I shouldn't have such thoughts, but man, you didn't see it. It was the nub in the mouth, that was the clincher. The nub in the mouth. Did you ever in your life think you would have the occasion to use a sentence like that? I didn't. To this day, if Shelby or Jill wants to make me cringe, they sing that song. They think it's funny. Oh yeah, fucking hilarious. Am I cold hearted? Probably. But I challenge you to witness something that disturbing, and not carry the burden of that memory for the remainder of your life. Killing me softly. Yeah, it's killing me softly, all right.

It just doesn't make any sense!

On my way to work this morning, I saw a red Infiniti with the license plate 2RED2(picture of hand)L. I got to thinking (which is always a bad idea) exactly how red does something have to be to qualify as too red to handle? I've touched plenty of red items in my life, and I have yet to find one that is too red to handle. I had a red Jetta, I handled that just fine. It did have a lot of black trim, though, so maybe that's why it didn't qualify. Coke cans? Well, they have white and black as well, so maybe that's the reason. I have a red shirt that I seem to be able to handle just fine, but that is kind of sheer, so it may not be red enough. Red crayons? Too small. Red pens? Same thing. I could understand too hot to handle but too red? Could my car be too green to handle? These scissors on my desk are pretty orange, I should be careful, they may be more than I can handle. I had no idea such danger was out there. Colors! Imagine! As if we didn't have enough to worry about, now we have to be wary of colors. Except pastels of course.

The long and winding road

While reading a post on E's blog about his trip to Ventura, I started thinking back on all the various trips to LA I've been on. There was a time in my life when I knew that at any moment a friend could call me and say "We're going to LA, get ready". Fun, fun, fun. But as you all may know, there is a strange time warp on highway 5. I've never quite understood how it can take 5 hours to drive to LA, yet take 12 hours to get home. On the way down, everyone is happy, talking, laughing, listening to music, quite possible drinking already. Then all of the sudden you're there. On the way home, everyone is hung over and exhausted, staring out the window in a stupor, not paying any attention to the radio so that soon you're listening to either static or a mexican station. That's when I started the tradition of saying "I wish we had a teleporter". My attention span is so short, that if I can't amuse myself with my thoughts, I run the risk of getting tossed out of the car with my incessant "are we there yet?'s". Like a child, I am. So I would stare out the window, and every once in a while I'd ask a question like "Do you think cow's have friends?" or "If you addressed a letter to The City of Angels do you think it would still get there?". The added benefit was that I not only amused myself, but my fellow passengers as well. I should probably write my memories down, because who knows how long I will actually retain them? I would hate to forget the broken cooler incident or the Ren and Stimpy marathon, and I've already lost entire sections (and entire people) of the weekend in San Luis. These days, the random trips down south are few and far between. I suppose you could say we..gulp...grew up. But if someone were to call me this Friday afternoon, and say those words, I just might...ok, we know I probably wouldn't go. Nice thought though.

Don't you just hate it when:

Everyone on the freeway slows to 35mph because there's a cop giving someone a ticket? (like he's going to jump in his car and come after you instead)

You say something and you realize you sounded exactly like your mom? (and extra points to your husband for pointing it out)

You're singing all loud in your car and having fun and your CD starts to skip? (grrrrrr)

Your car has been sitting in the sun all day and your lotion gets all warm and spoogy? (eeewww)

You change the radio and find a great song...right at the very end of it? (alternate ending: a great song comes on right as you pull up to your destination)

The roadkill is so spread out that there's no way to avoid driving in it? (name that roadkill)

You walk into a room and forget why you went there? (early signs of alzheimers?)

You walk through a spider web? (especially at or above shoulder level)

Your blog is publishing and it takes forever? (Files Published...0%)

He gets it from me

This is what happens when you give a three year old a camera. Although, I think we may have something here. People pay big money for art like this. Just ask Duckie.

Gotta dance

What is it about that Isley Brothers song Shout that makes me want to...well...kick my heels up and um...throw my hands up? I simply cannot contain myself. I can try, but before I know it I'm bopping my head and waving my hands around. And that's just in my car, you should see me at home! My kid thinks I'm nutty. He's not the only one, either. I can just imagine the calls that are made by the people around me. "Hello, 911? I think the girl in the car next to me is having an epileptic fit. Yeah, she's thrashing around in her car. It's a green Civic, and her license plate says something about a Cindy Bear. No wait, it says Bare. Oh, never mind, I'll take care of this myself". There are several songs that cause this reaction in me. Twist and Shout by the Beatles. (maybe any song that features the word shout?) That's Right, You're Not From Texas by Lyle Lovett. American Girl by Tom Petty. Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake. (I know, I know, one of these kids is doing his own thing, one of these kids just doesn't belong. Can't help it, I love Justin) I wonder...do all people have certain songs that make them dance like Farmer Ted? I really hope so. I hope it's not just me.

Here's a picture of my backyard. Just wanted to share with you all, so you can pretend you're hanging out there with me, drinking beer and having fun.

My backyard is cool.

I am a posting fool today. I'm quite bored. And lonely. Someone call me! I'm here at work all alone, nobody else around. It's kind of funny, if I have to use the restroom or go to a wake I have to lock the door and leave a note saying I'll be right back. How would you feel if you went to your credit union and found that? This credit union is so small though, we only have four employees, and two of us are part time. Big change from my last job. But it's cool, I guess.
Ramble ramble ramble.

My hero made me do it

Honestly, I didn't want to, but in Joel's last post he asked said "and if Cindy wants to copy this idea and make a similar list it would bring me great joy". Maybe not in so many words, but I knew what he meant. Who am I to deny the whims of my hero? So here goes, Cindy's Favorite Cinematic Comedic Moments. (Sorry Joel, had to leave out the U in favorite. Peeve!) Please don't get angry over mis-quotes or anything that can be construed as un-PC. Remember, I didn't write these lines, I just like 'em! I'm even going to start the list off with one of his movies:

Chasing Amy: When Banky stands up and says "What's a nubian?"

Pulp Fiction: Did you see a sign in front of my house that says "Dead Nigger Storage"? No? Do you know why? Because storing dead niggers ain't my fucking business!

Office Space: I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.

X-Men: When Cyclops wants Wolverine to prove it's really him and Wolverine says "You're a dick".

Clerks: Randall: You're not allowed to rent here anymore! Jay: Yeah!

Royal Tenenbaums: This cab has a dent in it.

Swingers: I'm not sure of the exact quote but that part in the bar where Sue and Trent are advising Mike on picking up chicks: She's like a little bunny, a helpless bunny, and you're like a big bear, you've got these big claws, these big fucking claws, and you're all Grrrrrr!
(or something like that, you get the picture)

Mall Rats: That kid is back on the escalator again!

Well there you have it. The snippets of movies that make me chuckle. Or in the case of Clerks, burst out in hysterical laughter. Oh, and just to let you know, if anybody were to take this idea and use it for their own blog, it would not break my heart.

I'm not alone

You know what I like about blogging? It's like having a friend with you all the time. How many times do you see or hear something random or funny, and there's nobody there to tell? How many times do you wish there was someone next to you to share a laugh with? This blog is a place where I can go to write all the stupid little things that happen in my day, or write things that I wanted to tell someone but there was nobody there to tell. It may not be the most interesting, or well thought out blog, but I like it. I think it's because I'm a very social person and my social life has been severely retarded since A. I had a kid and B. all my friends moved away. Damn them to hell. Well, Ang is getting hers now, moving to Florida. Who moves to Florida at age 28? She's 40 years too early.
This morning I stopped at Starbucks for a peppermint mocha. Now, I get up so early that when I decide to stop for coffee I have to plan for it. I can't hit snooze if I still want to make it on time. That nine minutes really means a lot to me in the morning! I took a picture out back on Wednesday right before I left for work. This should give you an idea of the time of day I leave for work, it's the fucking sunrise. This is my view out my back door. This picture really gives the illusion that I live in a great area, but we know it's San Jose, so there really are houses around. I just conveniently cut them out of the picture. I'm cool that way. I love that I can see palm trees out my back door. I don't know if it's something that has been bred into all California girls, or if it's just one of my things, but I love palm trees.

Good day, sunshine!

Baa

Since I'm a follower, and since I never have anything good to write about and I'm retarded to boot, I decided to go along with the "10 things about me" craze hitting the blog nation. I like it because I've learned a little about my fellow bloggers, plus I just like to talk about myself.

1. I drive like an old lady.
2. I'm very rarely serious.
3. I'm impatient and judgemental.
4. I like to sing in my car but not the shower.
5. When I drink I lose all inhibitions and will tell you anything.
6. My favorite movie is "It's a Wonderful Life" and I cry every time when George says "Bert, do you know me?" (actually welling up a little right now)
7. At age 20 I had 4 goals: Pierce my belly button, get a tattoo, bungie jump, and skydive. I accomplished the first 2 and have decided the last 2 are no longer goals of mine.
8. I hate to try new food.
9. If I have something and you like it more than I like it I will give it to you.
10. I'm addicted to Lip Medex.

Seven degrees of separation

I love to do the "blog meander". I look at D's blog, see a comment from Mel, check out her blog, she's got a comment from Ian, who has a comment from Rog, and suddenly I'm over at Kevin Bacon's blog commenting on how "Jump back! No dancing?" is still one of my favorite movie quotes. Do you guys find yourselves doing this, or is this just another indication that I need to be more productive with my days?

Customer Satisfaction Level: 90%

I've been given one nay-saying warning. I believe this is the equivalent to having a check mark next to my name on the board.

here's where you learn a little more about me (revised)

Dislikes:

When people drive right next to me at the same speed.
When one hand is wet and the other is dry.
Biting into an apple.
Olives, onions, mushrooms, bell peppers.
When there's food on my plate I know I'm not going to eat. I have to move it off.
Black ink in my pen.
People who don't call me back.
Highway 85 at 5pm.
Personalized license plates that you can't figure out.
Bad grammer.
Really competitive people.
When people call too much.
Diet Coke from a can.
Fist fights.
Tailgaters and brake mashers.
Not being able to stay mad at someone when you really want to.
The mosh pit.
Surprise parties.
When people don't round off numbers.
Not knowing where I'm going when I'm driving.
Turtlenecks.
Change.
When you tell someone a story you think is hilarious and they don't laugh.


Likes:

When the sun shines on my feet.
White socks with black shoes.
Having my hair twirled.
Making people blush.
Driving with the windows open and the music blaring.
Really good conversation.
Meeting new people when you really click with them.
The perfect bite of breakfast, with a little bit of everything.
When I have a bunch of friends over.
When you think about someone and then you hear from them.
Really great dreams.
Really cold beer from a cooler full of ice.
Cathing your favorite episode on a re-run.
Learning new words. Good words.
Starting a new book.
Hershey's mini chocolate bars, warm from being in my pocket.
Even numbers.
Funny people.

Wisdom from a three year old

Caden and I were just eating lunch together. He looked over and told me "Mommy, you eat all that, you get flat". So that explains it. I always wondered why both my sisters have big boobs and I don't. I've been eating too much. Good to know.

In the same vein, minus the typos

To the one I call my sweet sister: (don't mind the paraphrasing)
Well I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky
With my sister standing by
With my sister standing by
Sister here is what I know now
Here is what I know now, goes like this:
In your love, my salvation lies in your love

To the one I call An-Jew-Luh:
Do you know the way to San Jose?
I've been away so long. I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose.

To the one I call me:
It's just another manic Monday
Wish it were Sunday
Cuz that's my fun day
My I don't have to run day
Just another manic Monday

To the one I call Buddy:
Late at night she knocks on my door
She's drunk again and looking to score
I know I should say no but
It's kinda hard when she's ready to go

And last but not least
To the one I call mother fucker in the white Nissan:
You drive on my ass
Your foot's on the gas
and your next breath is your last
Cuz I got a bad habit
of blowing away (yeah yeah)

16 pieces of flair

I love seeing the things people will put on their cars. I saw a license plate frame on a car a few weeks ago that said "Italians get a pizza the action". I saw one a few days ago on a car belonging to a doula that said "I support pereniums". Now, if you don't know what a doula or a perenium is, I'm not telling. But if you do know (mom's out there) then you know this is funny. I couldn't believe what I saw today though. I saw a license plate frame on a Mustang that said "My car is a Mustang, my husband is a stallion". Oh man, that cracked me up. I started thinking of other cars you could do that with. These are what I came up with:

My car is a Prelude, my husband is the finale
My car is a Protege, my husband is the master (although I think this one works better with "wife" don't you agree?)
My car is a Pilot, my husband is too (hee hee)
My car is a Mini, my husband is a biggie
My car is a Hummer, my husband wishes (oh come on, you knew that was coming)
My car is an Outback, my husband is buried out back

Ok, maybe that last one was a stretch, but I like it anyway.
The other thing I like is personalized licence plates. I have one, and I don't really want it any more, but I have a very common car and it's a good way to know which one is mine in a parking lot without going around beeping my alarm. But mine's not that good. I saw one on my way to LA a while ago that just said PCP. I don't know if the guy's initials are PCP, or if the car makes him feel like he's on PCP or if he really was on PCP, but I liked it. One said IM JAKE. I thought that was cool. But my absolute favorite was years ago, said SAPNIN. Now that guy is cool. Just SAPNIN. Play on, playa.

Dreaming

What amazing things dreams are. You can have wild adventures, exotic romance, or even just a mundane day in a dream. I had a dream 2 nights ago (induced by watching videos of my son when he was a baby) that I had a baby girl, but she was a lizard baby. Green, with scales, and hexigon shaped eyes that were yellowish-green. I loved her anyway, but not as much as I loved Caden. (but can you really blame me?) I felt a little guilty for that, but figured once I got to know her a little better I'd love her more. The eyes were the wierdest. Chartreuse hexigon shaped eyes. I had a dream once that we were on a plane that was going to crash, and the only way we would live was by hopping on this flying pillow, it was red velvet. Only, nobody knew how to fly the pillow, except of course the little brown monkey that was with us. Ang loved that one the best. I'm partial to the one where I had a little, 3-inch kitten that I carried around with me in a butter wrapper. He was so cute. I don't believe that dreams mean anything, I think they're just things you've heard or seen throughout the day most of the time. I may be wrong, but if you had dreams like mine, wouldn't you feel safer thinking that too?

What a buzz kill

We went to Music in the Park tonight, I'm actually a little drunk as we speak. These jesus freaks were walking around talking about how we're all going to die, and then what? Well, as near as I can figure, uh...we'll be DEAD. Who fucking cares, we're dead! Like drinking beer and smoking will destroy my afterlife. OK, sweetcheeks, what afterlife? You guarantee me heaven, I'll knock this shit off. Until then, well, I'll just continue on my merry way. So my sister thought it would be fun to take some pictures with them! This is my sister and Alyssa with Death! The next one is me and Krissy with jesus himself. Now, I don't really know, not being a religious person myself, but is the sight of a fake jesus really the way to get people to join your faith?

sinners




Jesus wore tie-dye.

Let's hear it for the Wright brothers

I flew to Colorado last week. We had to change planes in Phoenix, AZ. What my thoughtful husband neglected to inform me of was that the plane we were transferring to had propellers. Yes, actual propellers. Right outside the window. The good news about that was if the propeller flew off, it would most likely have come right in the window and chopped my head off, saving me from a long, slow, terrorizing fall from the sky to my fiery death. That would be the silver lining, I suppose. For someone who doesn't fly well, it was a bad, bad day. Then, 6 days later...back on that stupid airplane! At least the second time it was taking me home, so I actually wanted to get on. I missed this lovely state. At times it didn't seem like I would survive the boredom of Montrose, Colorado. Would you like a list of the good and bad things about Montrose? Here you go:
Bad Things1. It's quite hot in July2. It's 15 minutes from my in-laws house to the "town"3. The highlight of the week was a trip into Ourey (an even smaller town)4. Boring conversation5. Slow drivers6. Lots of bugs7. Mother-in-law (enough said)8. Orange sherbet ice cream with chocolate chips (it's real)9. Nip/Tuck was not approved10. SIX DAYS IS A LONG TIME
Good Things1. I don't have to go back for at least two years2. The doctors say the scars on my wrists should fade completely by then