Act II, Scenes 1-3

Grace recommended:
a1. i was going to recommend shaun of the dead... but it's already been taken. so i'll say napoleon dynamite.
>I've been hearing about this Napoleon Dynamite but never knew what people were talking about. I finally saw the trailer for it last night and now I totally want to see it. Also, I totally want to see what Dane's hair looks like, since apparently it's a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Easy-E. This I gotta see. (update: rented Napoleon Dynamite. Will watch tonight and let you know tomorrow how I liked it)
a2. i just finished the adventures of kavalier and clay. i thought it was definitely worth a read....
>Since I read anything I can get my hands on, I will find this book and pwn it. (I am teh hAx0r)
a3. if you like trip hop at all, check out esthero.
>Not knowing what trip hop means, the outcome does not look hopeful.....
Grace asked:
b1. when will you go see a physician to get your OCD treated?
>I assume you mean......

OCD: Our Corpse Destroyed
>Oh, that's not what you meant?

>I would guess OCD therapy would include forcing me to stare at this picture for hours on end, not being able to straighten out that corner of the FUCKING POST-IT NOTE!!!!!
(Ok, I'm ok. Deep, calming breaths.....counting to ten....)
>Real answer: Never.
b2. is any question too personal for you?
>Yes, there are some questions I would refuse to answer.
b3. if not, how old were you when you lost your virginity?
>This not being one of them, 16. Too young I feel now, but when we're 16 we have ALL the answers, don't we?

djfutile recommended:
(A) 1. Shaun of the dead (movie)
>We've gone over this. *sigh*
2. Hitch-hiker's guide to the galaxy (book)
>Next time I hitchhike across the universe I'll be sure to carry this as my guidebook. Oh, I'm kidding, I'll look for it next time I'm at Barnes and Noble.
3. i really like modest mouse lately, very modern Cure. (artist)
>I hate the Cure. Ok, I was joking but even joking, I still wanted to kick my own ass for saying that just now. Ok, I'll find Modest Mouse.

the DJ asked:
(B) 1. what is your favorite toothpaste
>Colgate!

>Can't you see why?
2. what was the best thing you got this year for xmas
>I have to say #1: seeing my son dance around in his underwear to the Nutcracker. Oh and I got a pretty cool bracelet, too. Also, Life of Pi, did you know that Mel and I are going to read it at the same time and have a cool little book club? As long as Ian doesn't give away the ending.
3. what..... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen(?) swallow?!
>I promise: Next time I get high I will watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail and I will answer this question then.

Super Ken recommended:
1. a movie - 'K-Pax'
>Actually I've seen this movie and loved it! Wow, one down; a million to go.....
2. a book - 'Catch 22' by Joseph Heller
>Are you trying to educate me? Get me to think? I feel a headache coming on.....
Really though, I will read this one. It's been on my mind for a while.
3. an album - ATOMSHIP 'Crash of 47'
>I have never even heard of Atomship, but I'll look around for it. Unless you'd like to email me a song......

Super Ken asked:
1. You're restless and alone in the house. What do you do?
>I wouldn't be home for long! I'd head out for some entertainment. I'd need some sustenance first:

I'll take a Strawberries Wild with the energy boost, please.

Then I'd head to that mecca of the mall......
2. What do you HATE about some blogs?
>Red writing on black background. (if any of you assholes changes to that now I'll come find you.) Also, whining about your ex-boyfriend, or not having a sense of humor. Also, when people write racist fake letters to the president. (haha! kidding, J)
3. (this one is stolen from some other weblog) You get the morning paper and see your name in the headline, what would you like the headline to say?
>I prefer to stay out of the papers, actually. I know, my answer sucks. Maybe I'll make something up......

"San Jose woman discovers method for converting blogging into an alternative energy source. Saves planet. Wins Nobel prize."

Responding to the questions now

I'm only going to tackle a few at a time, or the post would be huge, and we all know how long our attention spans are around here. Oh come on, admit it. I'm not the only one with the attention span of a gnat.

Evil recommends:
1. Shaun Of The Dead. best zombie movie ever, and probably the funniest, too.
>In reality, probably won't watch it unless I catch it on cable sometime. I just can't seem to sit still for movies lately. But I will try.
2. Johnathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, by Susanna Clarke. i can't seem to stop recommending this book.
>It doesn't have a spaceship or a troll on the cover does it? (haha)
3. The Killers- Hot Fuss. probably this is the most corporate band i listen to, but i can't help lovin' 'em.
>This I will look into. Anything called The Killers can't be bad.

Evil asked:
1. what's your favorite kind of beer?
>Coors Light, naturally. I also like Tecate, but that's pretty much it. Right now I'm addicted to Capt Morgan's Parrot Bay rum with Diet Coke. Well, not addicted really, I just, um, like it.

Yarrrrrr! I'll get you drunk!

2. do you have any guilty pop culture pleasures, like being a huge closet Barry Manilow fan (a Fanilow) or something like that?
>I don't think so unless you count Eminem. Remember in Office Space at the beginning when Michael Bolton is listening to the hardcore rap music in his car, and when he sees that black guy he turns it down and rolls up the windows? That's me.
3. what kind of excuses do you use to get off of the phone with a relative who's talking your ear off?
>I don't. I'm a pansy, so I just keep talking. But once I told a telemarketer who was calling about the Mercury News that I was happy with my long distance service and hung up.

J recommends:

1.Parenthood with Steve Martin, Keanu Reeves & that judge lady who is now on Law & Order... it's just old school funny.
>I saw this years ago, I can barely remember it. But since I love Steve Martin and Keanu loves Terra, I'll watch it again.
2. Short stories by O.Henry. Short stories, British whit.
>This I'll read. Well, I'm 85% likely to read it.
3. Miles Davis' album Neffertiti.
>I've always wanted to listen to Miles Davis. Here's my excuse.

J asked:
1. What's your favorite cereal?
>Cinnamon Life, with Apple Cinnamon Cheerios running a close second. I like cinnamon, ok?
2. If you could be one exotic jungle animal, which would you pick?
>I'm going to go with the marmoset, because they're cute and I like to say "marmoset".

I'm a cute marmoset. Look at me.

3. Do you think that Laura Bush is a robot?
>No, but I think she plays one on TV.

YankeeBob recommends:
Movie - Cousins, Isabella Roselinni & Ted Danson, trust me, it's pretty good, romantic, happy sad, funny
>I trust you YB.
Book - Road To Gandolfo by Robert Ludlum very funny and the end is a surprise
>I like surprise endings, so ok I'll read it.
Music - Conferring with The Moon, William Ackerman, mellow guitarist, some keyboards (kinda new age) I noticed you like the mellow stuff.
>I absolutely like the mellow stuff, guitars and keyboards are key. I'll have a listen.

YankeeBob asks:
How often do you reorganize your closets? (Your Christmas ornaments post made me curious)
>I'm a little offended that you would think my closets need reorganizing. My closets are perfect, YB.
Is beer really the elixer of life?
>Duh. I mean no. Love is. *vomits*
Would you kiss a girl given the chance? (Sandy, for instance.)
>What makes you think I haven't? (Ok, I'll admit, I haven't kissed Sandra Bullock. Yet.)

Who's that over there? Is that Cindy? I want to kiiiiiss her, I want to daaaate her.

Michelle recommends:
The Cutting Edge starring D.B. Sweeney (pure cheese)
>I love cheese!
Sweet Memories by LaVyrle Spencer (ginormous titties keep a woman from finding true love)
>So many parallels to my life. Oh no, that's just a quote from Joel's blog, not true at all. But for some reason the word titties is offensive to me.
There She Goes by The La's (awesome)
>The La's. Ok. I'll take your word for it. Since we have so many things in common.

Michelle asked:
What is your biggest fear in life?
>Danger? Ha!

I walk on the wild side. I laugh in the face of danger, hahaha!
Now that we've all had a good laugh, I'm afraid of everything!

Why did you name your son Caden?
>I liked the name Cade, David liked the name Aiden. I figured if Will Smith could name his kid Jaden, I could combine the two and make Caden. It was that or Maximus, I opted for Caden. It was close there for a minute though. 20 hours of labor makes you kind of loony.
If money were no object, where would you live?
>San Jose, California! Have you not heard, I love it here.

That's all for today, ladies and gents. More tomorrow. There are so many good questions!

Let's give that Cat a round of applause!

You'll notice I have a profile picture again. Thanks to the wonderful technical support staff at Beyond Elsewhere, Cindy-Lou is available for your viewing pleasure. Haha, that sounded dirty, didn't it?

I'm currently working on the responses to all your suggestions and questions. Joel told me I better get moving on that, so they should be up tomorrow. Key word being should.

A couple of quizzes, if only to put an end to the questions!

:: how jedi are you? ::

(I'm a troublemaker. How appropriate)

I taste like Alcohol. Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

(Now that's something I like to hear)


JUST LIKE HEAVEN is the Cure song that you should
go listen to RIGHT NOW! Here are the lyrics:

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it and I promise you
I promise that I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with
you?
That I'm in love with you?"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream...

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone
Alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven


Which Cure Song Should You Listen To?
brought to you by Quizilla

(Don't know how appropriate this is, but anything to do with the Cure will be posted here)

Dare I deny Teh Evil?

Ok, I've been instructed by Evil to continue this deal here. So here it is. I mustn't disobey El Evile. Now, I've been putting thought into my responses about town, and I expect the same of you.

(A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie
2. a book
3. a musical artist, song, or album

(B) Ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. Answers will be posted next week--great time for strangers to say hi.

(C) Then go back to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything; say that you stole it from me.

One last item: Two blog posts made me laugh out loud this weekend. I'd advise you to check out this episode of Peevishness and Botheration. Michelle is a genius. I also highly recommend this Hairshirt post. But only if you want to laugh. Otherwise, stay home.

Tell me why I don't like Mondays.

I need medication

***Update***
I went to Target and got one of those huge bins that hold ornaments. I unpacked all the boxes and re-packed my ornaments. I'm feeling much better now.

I took the tree down today. I know, it seems early but I found a spider web on it, and what looked to me like a bunch of dead baby spiders. At least they weren't live baby spiders, right? I was told that I'm wrong, that they're not spiders, but I'm not convinced. Also, I was so affected by the idea of a bunch of spiders in my house that I could instantly feel something on my leg, of course, and had to run to the bedroom and rip my pants off to check for a spider. No spider. I can still feel it though. Gross, gross, gross. So I had to get the tree out of the house. Baby spiders have been known to spontaneously re-animate, that's what I heard. Anyway, a few weeks ago when we decorated the tree my sister pulled most of the ornaments out of the boxes for me. So today, as I was putting them away, I was freaking out because I couldn't remember what boxes they belonged in. I'm not talking about the boxes they came in, I mean the little boxes I've designated for them. I will put certain ones together, wrapped in tissue paper, and I kind of separate them in order of importance. I couldn't remember which ones belonged in which box and I was standing there with my hands on my head totally stressing out about it. Then I was stressing out about the fact that I was stressing out about it! I was like "what the fuck is the matter with me, why do I care?" I did though. I was irritated because the ornaments that belonged together weren't fitting in the same box, so I'm guessing that I chose the wrong box. I know.....I need a label maker! That would solve this problem. A label maker and a lot of time. Yeah, that's what I need, a good label maker. Oh who am I kidding, I need a good psychiatrist. Hope you all had a great day!

Merry Christmas you wonderful old Blogger.com!

I won't have time to post tomorrow so I wanted to wish everyone a very merry chrostmas! I will have the family here, plus a few extra dropping in and out throughout the day and night. Homemade tamales are a big draw. Tamales and beer, can you imagine a better chrostmas eve? Throw in my family and friends hanging out at my house, I'm on cloud nine. Last year chrostmas eve was so great, everyone was here, we were drinking beer, people kept stopping by, it was so wonderful and I was so happy! and drunk! I was so drunk! Family, good friends, great food, and alcohol. Isn't that what the chrostmas spirit is all about?
I hope you all have a great celebration of your own. If you don't, you're all welcome here! Come on by and have a drink. You'll have to pitch in with the tamales though.

picture draft

Remember in the Outsiders, when Ponyboy meets Cherry Valance to discuss the details of the rumble? This looks like that place, don't you think? I can just see her car there, and see her hair blowing in the wind. Can you see the sunset from the south side real good? Yeah, real good. You can see it from the north side too. I pulled over on the side of the freeway to take this. At least I wasn't driving, like last time right? Although I could still see the headlines.

This is a street by my work. It was uncommonly foggy the other day, so I decided to take some pictures. This one I was driving.....I admit it.

Check it out, it was snowing in San Jose! Just kidding, this is what happens when you forget to turn off your flash in the fog. I thought it looked kind of cool anyway.

Ben is skill! Skiller than all those other fucks!

Damn that Googlism!

I'm addicted. I am. I've been searching everyone's name I can possibly think of! I found some great ones when I put in Cindy instead of Cynthia.

cindy is a genuine swinger that wants to meet you (no kidding)
cindy is flashing in public (I'd like to)
cindy is all that and more (what about the bag of chips?)
cindy is the sea at high tide
cindy is for sale (amazon?)
cindy is a man (oops)
cindy is one of four vessels operated by norwegian poacher
cindy is a gorgeous cougar
cindy is turning into me
cindy is banished
cindy is the first doll that can see
cindy is on the right
cindy is the best there is
cindy is a member of draw
cindy is the most downloaded girl on the internet
cindy is being sucked into a washer (poltergeist-ish)
cindy is so very playful
cindy is one of my very best of friends on this planet earth and that's all i really need to say (oh, which one of you guys wrote that?)
cindy is so happy that she has a buddy
cindy is my little girl
cindy is a blue
cindy is eager to please
cindy is known as "the face"

There you have it! I can no longer be called the Lou, it's the Face from this moment on.
Please, please Googlism your name. You won't regret it.

Google does it again

I just received this link to Googlism. I guess you could say it goes beyond the Google search. It is quite entertaining. I have no idea how they come up with this, or why, but I like it. It wasted a good part of my afternoon. I put in just my first name and came up with the following:

cynthia is the secretary/assistant that can offer spanish (sure, a few swear words)
cynthia is easy (everyone knows that)
cynthia is waving her ring
cynthia is energetic
cynthia is livid
cynthia is probably right (naturally!)
cynthia is still the best (haha)
cynthia is a breathtaking example of beauty and poise combined with an extraordinary lyrical voice (in my dreams)
cynthia is an artist
cynthia is a dancer
cynthia is back on her bike (cool, huh?)
cynthia is a diamond (not the first time I've heard that)
cynthia is an incredibly attractive (what? an incredibly attractive what?)
cynthia is thinking (sure am!)
cynthia is a pleasure to work with
cynthia is a hands (?)
cynthia is to use (awesome, use me)
cynthia is also available at amazon (for the low price of....)
cynthia is still on the border
cynthia is brought in undercover to infiltrate a counterfeit money operation at a local newspaper cynthia is not a native of anywhere
cynthia is being silly now (just now?)
cynthia is a domina with an intense interest in bondage (dude!)
cynthia is real* answer me this
cynthia is the 28th most popular female first name in the united states; frequency is 0
cynthia is no longer there (or here, or anywhere)
cynthia is committed to finding and perfecting "no" (I wish)
cynthia is taking her time with this one
cynthia is not 'against jews' (by far the best one)
cynthia is like "winter without snowtires" (scary and unsafe?)
cynthia is given a parade in new york and then spends the night with christopher (who?)
cynthia is not a bright woman (oh man)
cynthia is almost painfully happy to see her little brother
cynthia is mrs
cynthia is really suffering
cynthia is also an incredibly gifted healer
cynthia is a bit of an eccentric (a bit)
cynthia is a rare combination of a great listener and enthusiastic problem solver
cynthia is one (very zen)
cynthia is robert’s (first christopher, now robert?)
cynthia is a self (uh.....)
cynthia is pro
cynthia is a large jill with a fluffy champagne coat (makes no sense, but I still dig it)
cynthia is a 17 (on a scale of 1-100 maybe)
cynthia is explaining to her grandfather that she and "warren" have quarreled and broken off their engagement (I really get around, don't I?)

So, there you have it. Everything about me you can find in a Googlism search. Please go there and search your name. Post your favorites on your own blog, or here in my comments, whatever. I'd really like to see them!

I rarely do the news posts

But I had to talk about this. Have you guys heard about the pregnant woman in Missouri who was killed and her baby was cut out of her and kidnapped? What the fuck is wrong with people? Can you even imagine how deranged a person would have to be to even conceive such a thing? I'm completely shocked and disgusted. I mean, this woman strangled the pregnant woman, actually took a knife and cut her open to take the baby. There was no point during that entire ordeal where she stopped and thought "Maybe this is bad"? When she killed the woman? When she was up to her elbows in blood? When she cut the umbilical cord? Thankfully, the baby was found in Kansas, and is doing well. This woman had two other children and a husband. Now this man will be raising three kids alone, because this crazy woman wanted a baby. I can't even think about this anymore, I'm embarrassed of the human race right now.
Here's the article if you're interested. The woman's name was Bobbi Jo, and she totally looks like a Bobbi Jo.

When all else fails, post a couple of quizzes.

I took this one from Lou-Lou's blog, and apparently it's pretty accurate. Wink wink.

You Were a Little Naughty This Year!

While you're not likely to greet Santa with sucker punch... He's still not too jolly about coming to your house. You might get a small token from Mr. Claus Like some detox pills for your liver.

Were You Naughty or Nice This Year?


I took this one from AT's blog. Not quite as accurate, but who doesn't love a good drinking quiz?

You're a Philosophical Drunk!

"Imagine, right, imagine the part of you that was you when you're speaking to me, isn't you, but that the you that's you when that's happening, the real you is the you that ... Shit, what was I saying? It's all about society, isn't it? Morality's just ... What?"


What Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

I don't know about this, I'm more the happy drunk, but I love the fact that the website is called Rum and Monkey. Now that sounds like a good time, rum and a monkey. Some kind of... I don't know, server monkey. We loves ourselves da monkey.


I found one more, while taking the "What Disease Are You" quiz. I'm not even going to post the results of that one because according to Michelle I'm the nerd of all diseases. So I'm posting what robot I am. Although I have never heard of Bender, I was told by Ben I should dig it, because he's a drunk robot. That's cool, a drunk robot! Bite my shiny metal ass is a good catch phrase, too. Maybe not as good as "You're fired" but I bet I could get some people to say it.


Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

But they look so pretty!

I've been having more OCD moments lately. I know that wrapping presents brings it on, I get so god damned anal about wrapping presents. The lines have to line up. The creases have to be sharp. It has to be pulled tight and taped just right. And don't even get me started on ribbons and bows! If I'm using curling ribbon I have to use two colors, one color just doesn't quite do it for me. Just now I got a little too excited about the fact that the stripe on the paper made a perfect square on either end of the package. Yeah....I need help.

The fact that I took a picture to show you doesn't say good things about it either. Do you want to know the best part though? It's the same on both ends of the package. I know, I'm having a hard time containing myself as well. It's just so.....so.....perfect. It makes me a little nervous that I get so happy about things like that. I seem to be getting more and more anal as the years go by. Do you have any idea how many times I have rearranged the ornaments on the tree? (I'm like Ken, editing away!) I have to say though, Caden rearranges too, so in reality I'm fixing what he moves most of the time. We can't have ornaments hanging from the lights now, can we? (Answer: No) When we were decorating the tree I heard the following phrase twice: It's ok, she'll just change it after you leave. *Damn it, they're on to me*
Sometimes I leave things alone on purpose, just to prove to myself I can. I feel like Monica when she left her shoes in the living room overnight.
*Lays in bed, eyes open, thinking about keys. "My keys are labeled 1, 2, and 3. But they're not in order on my key chain. I should change them. I should change them right now.*
But I don't. I make myself leave them alone, just for the sake of control. I can do it! I know I can. I hope so, anyway. Wish me luck.

My sister is a fucking comedian.

Just a note so you know I'm alive

I figured I'd better post soon before I start getting those "Hey Cindy, where are you?" comments! Really, nothing much is up right now. I'm busy getting ready for Chrostmas (and Christmas) and that's definitely not exciting enough to post about! So, I'll just ramble.
Does anyone else ever wear their slippers in the car on the way to work? I do. Especially when I wear these boots, because it's hard to drive in them. Note: These are my Buffy boots, not my sexy boots. Although I could see Buffy wearing the sexy boots. Well, I wish I could see it anyway. Let me leave the room for a moment and think about that........
Let's see....what else can I talk about?
Oh I know. Thank you very much, Roy Hobbs. I was so excited to find the bottlecaps in my bag. Nice variety too, Bud, Coors, and Corona. Like a rainbow of beer!
Hmmm.....
This morning I was driving through the parking lot at the hospital, and I was dancing around to Ben Harper and looked over to see one of the valet guys watching me. I was slightly embarrassed, but not really.
I will post again if anything good happens. I love you, my blog buds!
-Squirrel

In honor of Mr. La Pierre

My second favorite Canadian* is in town, and we're heading out to paint San Jose red. In honor of my second favorite Canadian, I am posting this picture. I hope you other Canadians don't take offense to this. You know all of this teasing is all in good fun. Good fun I say! I love Canada! I love Canada like you love that crack-head cousin who you don't really want to hang around with, but you love anyway because, well...he's family.


Oh, Canada!

*As far as my favorite Canadian goes, you know who you are. Wink wink.

Funny thing about actions

They speak louder than words. If you really don't like me, if you really have no interest in being my friend, if you really have some sort of problem with me as a person, that's fine with me. I can handle that. I am a little curious why this came about, but it's not keeping me up at night. My question is: If you don't want to be a part of my life, why do you keep involving yourself in it? Why are you so interested in what I am doing? Why do you bother to come here and read about me? If you were truly finished, if you really did not care about me, you wouldn't do it. You wouldn't care to know what I've got going on, and you certainly wouldn't take any action or make any moves based on my writing here. So, I am confused as to why you return. Why you took the time to search me out again. Why you couldn't just leave well enough alone. I mean, sure, it's a compliment that you find me so fascinating. It makes me feel great to know you have such a huge crush on me. I mean, what else could it be, right guys? Such a fine line between love and hate. If you were man enough you'd bring this to the table. Unfortunately, I know you too well. It's much easier to leave it like this, isn't it? Well, this is the last time I bring this up. I'm done. I refuse to edit my writing, and I refuse to be affected by the fact that you read this. I suppose since you took the time to hunt me down again you deserve to read it. So go to town. Enjoy it. I hope it satisfies you. Oh, and have a merry Christmas!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

I don't like SpongeBob Squarepants. I just don't like him. Which is why it was a little disconcerting today when I was laughing every two minutes while watching the show. I think I may have to adjust my view of SpongeBob. The show's premise was SpongeBob trying to catch a bus back to Bikini Bottom. I don't know if any of you have seen this episode, but it was hilarious. The bus would come every time he stepped away from the bus stop. And I would laugh every time it did. Maybe this cold I have is making my brain fuzzy, but I really thought it was a funny episode. The only other time SpongeBob has made me laugh was when he was catching jellyfish with a net, and he said to one of them "You're my twelfth catch today. I'll call you Twelvy". That cracked me up for some reason. Still does apparently, as I am laughing while writing this! So, the moral of this story is SpongeBob may actually be funny. I will give him another shot anyway. Also, Dave Barry's column today is really good. How can you not love a newspaper article that begins with "I thought that, in today's column, I would heal the nation"? It's all about the controversy between the red states and the blue states. For your reading pleasure:
Do we truly believe that all red-state residents are ignorant racist fascist knuckle-dragging NASCAR-obsessed cousin-marrying roadkill-eating tobacco-juice-dribbling gun-fondling religious fanatic rednecks; or that all blue-state residents are godless unpatriotic pierced-nose Volvo-driving France-loving left-wing communist latte-sucking tofu-chomping holistic-wacko neurotic vegan weenie perverts? Yes. This is called "diversity", and it is why we are such a great nation-a nation that has given the world both nuclear weapons and SpongeBob Squarepants.
So there you have it. SpongeBob is funny, Dave Barry is funny, and Dave Barry mentions SpongeBob in his column today. Coincidence?

Again? Really?

Do I need to bring the people need to mind their own fucking business post over here? What the fuck? Why do you have to be in my business? Is it too much to ask for a place to write, where I can write what I want and not worry about other people? Am I that fucking interesting that you can't just leave me alone? I don't know who called him (if anyone actually did, could be just the excuse being used to know about it), but thanks. Thanks very fucking much. I really, truly appreciate it. Fuckers. Oh yeah, I'm sure you were concerned, if you were that concerned you would have called me directly. Stupid.
I'm not switching blogs again, that's too much trouble. You're not worth it. Besides, you'd just find me again anyway, being all obsessed with me. But if you could please do me just a teensy favor and quit talking about what I write here, that would be great. Thanks.

Story

I read an article in Parenting magazine today about a girl who is a genius. It was written by her mother, who has cancer. The girl graduated high school at 10 and is now enrolled in college at age 12. It was a pretty interesting article, short enough to hold my interest but well written. At the end the mom wrote about how she's not sure how long she has to live, and the girl said maybe that's why she was born a genius, so that her mom would have a chance to really know her even if she dies young. That really go to me, I was crying by the time I finished it. Goosebumps and all. That is so sad to me, not only the reality of the situation but that a 12 year old girl has the capability to understand exactly what is happening and respond in that manner. It's almost a blessing and a curse, I think. You would want to protect your child from the severity of the situation, but with this girl you wouldn't be able to. She has the mental capacity to absorb the information, but not the emotional maturity to be able to handle it or process it the way an adult would. Not that adults always do it right either. Anyway, I just wanted to post about this because it touched me, and I can't seem to shake it. I hope getting it out here helps.

Call me Quyen

I left work a little late today because of random issues, so I had to close up on my own. So it was already starting to get pretty dark when I was walking to the parking garage. I was on my way up the stairs when this little punk comes down towards me. I smiled (I always smile at everyone) and continued up, but he blocked my way! I thought it was an accident, you know how that happens, but he was doing it on purpose. So I looked at him and wouldn't you know it, the little fucker tried to take my purse! I couldn't believe it! Now, I've always been one to advocate giving whatever they want so you don't get hurt, right, but I've never been in that situation before. I got so pissed. I had my purse taken a few years ago on stupid CalTran, so I know what a pain in the ass it is when you have to go about blocking your cards and getting a new driver's license. But I surprised myself even, I guess because I got so mad. I totally kicked the guy! I did! I wasn't even really thinking about it, if I thought about it I probably would have pussed out and given it to him. I guess my primal instincts took over. I have never thought of myself as a tough person, I've never even been in a fight before. If he would have pushed it I definitely would have lost, but I think I must have surprised him enough that he backed off. Luckily, someone was coming down the next flight of stairs, I could hear them. He must have heard them too because he ended up running down the stairs. I was really close to my car, and I just jumped in and locked the doors. Afterwards it was pretty scary, thinking about what could have happened I guess. I was shaken up for a while, but I'm feeling better now. Actually, I'm starting to feel pretty proud of myself! For such a wimpy girl I sure stood up for myself. Don't worry guys, I'm fine really. Maybe I should get some pepperspray! On second thought, I would only end up hurting myself. I'll just be sure to always have company in that parking garage. I knew something was bound to happen, the city is a little shady at times. Well, all's well that ends well, right guys?

I made out with Ben.

The stamp on my hand says "Lucky"

I went to a concert last night at the HP Pavilion, AKA "The Shark Tank". Not that there are any Sharks swimming around as of late. Not being a hockey fan myself (sorry Mel) I don't care so much. Anyway, it was Carlos Santana, with Five for Fighting opening up for him. I have never been a huge fan of Santana, but it was free! Cisco Systems was putting it on for the employees, they spent a cool $650K. Free drinks and free food, can you beat that? As if I could say no. Anyway, I am so in love with both of them now. I don't know if it's just the concert high you get after seeing live music, but I absolutely adored them. Five for Fighting was great, the lead singer sang the first song and played guitar, the second song he played the piano, and the third song he played the harmonica. I'm always impressed by the multi-talented musicians. Plus, he was funny, which is always a mark in the win column. Apparently an employee names James had emailed the Five for Fighting guy to dedicate a song to his date, Emily. It was their third date. So he dedicated the song, and made some "third date" references about how Emily had no excuses now. I think James got a little action last night.
Then, after a brief interruption from the CEO of Cisco, Carlos Santana came out. He was so great. I really enjoyed the music. Nobody can rock a guitar like Carlos Santana, with the possible exception of Joe Satriani. He had some little hottie singing for him, I have no idea who he was but I wanted to bring him home with me. David said "I knew you liked that guy because he kind of looks like Rick" Me "What? I don't like Rick!" David "You do when you're in Mexican-mode" I never even knew I had a Mexican-mode! That is so awesome. There is something about that music that calls out to the Latina in me, I swear I have never felt more Mexican in my life! Which is really funny because if you know me, I'm so very white. As if seeing Santana live and being able to make tortillas from scratch constitutes being Hispanic. Note to self: go salsa dancing.
The funniest thing about the night though, was the crowd. I'm sure you have never been to a concert with 20 thousand geeks, have you? Well, I can happily say I have. (Ok, I really have no idea how many people were there, I'm just throwing out 20 thousand) They handed out those little flashlights with the fiber optic things that stick up, and they light up different colors? Those flashlights that are right at home in the hand of my son, but when you see a 50 year old man dancing with one in each hand, it's kind of scary? Yeah, those. I brought it home for Caden. I swear to you I did not wave it around during the concert. I swear.
As we were leaving, my sister said "Tell Santana I said hi!"
and Caden said "Tell Santa I want presents!"
I fucking love that kid.

Paying closer attention

I watched Rudolph with my son the other night. I saw that it was showing on TV Wednesday night but it coincided with Smallville (and we know how I feel about Smallville) so I had to go and buy it. That's better anyway, because there's no commercials. The toy companies are going crazy right now with the commercials, getting kids all hopped up for Christmas. It's quite effective. This is the first year I've had to deal with "I want that toy!" shouted at every commercial. Except the girl toys. For some reason, even a kid of 3 knows the difference between a girl toy and a boy toy. I don't like that he does, and I don't know where he's learning that, but he knows. I try to tell him that kids can play with any toys, but he's apparently been brainwashed. He scorns dolls and loves guns. Do you know that even if you ban all guns from your house, a boy will create one using nothing but a straw and a chip clip? I didn't know before, but I sure know now. Anyway, on to my point: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. I have missed it for several years now, so this is the first time I've watched it in a while. I noticed a few things about this movie that I have never noticed before.
First:

Santa is actually kind of an asshole. The elves sing him a song and when they're done he just says "Yes, well it needs some work. I have to go look at the reindeer" and leaves. He tells Donner that Rudolph's nose is a shame, and he'll never make the team. He shuns Rudolph, then shamelessly uses him when he realizes he needs him. What a bastard!
Also:

This Charlie in the Box is hilarious. He gets so upset, crying about his name. "What child wants to play with a Charlie in the Box!" He's so dramatic. I understand that a train with square wheels would be on the Island of Misfit toys, or a polka dotted elephant. But hey Charlie, how about just calling yourself Jack?
Next:

Did you know that Hermey the Elf yanks out all of the Abominable Snowman's teeth? I didn't remember that part, it was actually quite disturbing to me. They tortured the poor guy! Pulled out every single one of his teeth, then pushed him over a cliff. Sure he ends up being friends with them, but for some reason I had it in my head that he had a toothache or something, and the pain was making him mean, and when Hermey pulled out just that one tooth he became nice. I was very wrong.
This was funny:

The Elf Boss sounds like Dave Chappell, he keeps yelling "WHAT?" I laughed every time he said it, and responded with "OK!" each time. Hilarious.

So there you have it. The more sinister side of a classic.
Next up: How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

Retaliation

I am posting the lyrics to one of my favorite songs as a response to a post by Dane, over at Super Fun Time. This is a great song, very folky, very mellow. Very funny. Enjoy!

Political Science*

No one likes us
I don't know why.
We may not be perfect
But heaven knows we try.
But all around even our old friends put us down.
Let's drop the big one and see what happens.

We give them money
But are they grateful?
No they're spiteful
And they're hateful.
They don't respect us so let's surprise them;
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them.

Now Asia's crowded
And Europe's too old.
Africa's far too hot,
And Canada's too cold.
And South America stole our name.
Let's drop the big one;
there'll be no one left to blame us.

We'll save Australia;
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo.
We'll build an all-American amusement park there;
They've got surfing, too.

Boom goes London,
And boom Paris.
More room for you
And more room for me.
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town.
Oh, how peaceful it'll be;
We'll set everybody free;
There'll be a Japanese kimono for you baby,
And Italian shoes for me.
They all hate us anyhow,
So let's drop the big one now.
Let's drop the big one now.

*Originally by Randy Newman
**Released in 2003 by Glen Phillips of Toad the Wet Sprocket

(I am so amused by my own self)